


Who am I?

by veganhunter



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Alternate Universe - Supernatural Hunters, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Multi, POV Second Person, References to Supernatural (TV), Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-08-28 01:08:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 32,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8424706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veganhunter/pseuds/veganhunter
Summary: The story is about a mysterious girl who ends up with the Winchester brothers. Can they trust you? Should they trust you? Are you a monster? WHO ARE YOU?





	1. Who am I?

**Author's Note:**

> Okay guys. here´s my first ever written down fanfic. i hope you´ll like it. Comment your opinions so I can fix what i mess up :)

....

Silence.

I woke up in a big white room, tried to open my eyes but it hurt so bad my whole body started aching. I felt dizzy, confused, scared, angry, lonely.. After 20seconds of trying to figure out why am I here? Why am I so tired? What happened?.. _who am I?_

I heard a strange noise then the door opened. Was glad finally someone came into the room so I could ask them to let me go. He was quiet tall, wearing a white lab coat, his hair were grey and his eyes were full of confusion and pity. He spoke gently „I´m your doctor miss.. do you remember what happened?“

I wasn´t sure what or how to answer that.

„You were at a hospital for 3days. You tried to commit suicide. You had a panic attack when you woke up from coma and while trying to escape, you hurt a nurse..“ as he saw the guilt and worry on your face, he added „she´s fine now.. But we had to transfer you to the psychiatry, because of your mental instability. Also, we didn´t find any papers or ID that could belong to you or identify you. You´re not in any database eather, so could you please tell me your name?“

I was more shocked then he was. „sorry doc.. I-I don´t even remember what happened at the hospital, or why i ended up there. I don´t know my own freaking name!“

My heart was beating so fast at the end of my answer, I felt heat rushing in my legs through my stomack and face. The doctor ran towards me and all i felt was a needle in my arm. It kinda calmed me down and i nodded so the doc knew I´m ok. he continued. „Well, I was afraid your answer was going to be something like this. You cut both your wrists and fainted in a motel´s bathroom where you hit your head in the sink.“

I looked down on my arms, they were both wrapped in bandages. Felt the pain piercing in them as I tried to move them. „Sorry miss, but you´re a Jane Doe for now, until we can figure out who you really are. Now get some rest and I´ll come check in later.“ He left with a supporting smile.

_This couldn´t be happening. This is impossible. You should know who you are! How can you forget your own name?! You surely have family and friends who are looking for you.. or maybe not. Maybe you´re a bad person and you deserved to die. You certainly have no one. Nobody is searching for you. Nobody loves you. Why did you survive? You only cause more problems. You´re phatetic. You can´t even die right._

And suddenly I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders that brought me to sleep.


	2. Dream or Hell?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You get a weird dream with a trenchcoat-man in it, but is it really a dream?   
> You finally learn a bit of yourself, but will you like it? Or will you wish you succeeded with that suicide?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the first chapter i referred to the main hero as "I/me" but "You" is better i think. Sorry, as I mentioned, this is my first writing, and i´m not even english :v leave comments and suggestions, hope you like where the story´s going

Headache.

You woke up feeling dizzy and somehow.. dirty. You looked around expecting to be alone in the room and you jumped right after you saw a man sitting next to your bed. He was wearing a _trenchcoat_ and a gentle smile with curiosity behind it. His eyes were closed and he looked like a porcelain ken doll on a painting.

_This must be just a silly dream_.

You reached out with your hand to touch his face when he quickly opened his eyes looking right into your eyes as if he was watching you all the time with eyes closed. You should´ve been scared.. but somehow his presense was so calming. His eyes landed on your wrists then back on your face and his smile dissapeared.

Finally, he spoke: _Hi! My name is Castiel, and I´m here to help._

You hesitated with the answer, then let out an „okay“. When he did not continue, you asked „Are you a doc or a cop?“ He smiled again „I´m kind of both and neither.“ You frowned your brows at it.

„Do you have any memory of what happened to you before?“

„No.. I-I´m sorry, I already told the other doc that i can´t recall any of it, nor my life before this room.“

„Interesting.. Your name?.. Jane Doe? So you remember that one?“

„No. It´s a name found and unknown people/or corpses get. Jane for women and John for men. I think you should know that if you´re working for the law“ you said a bit suspiciosly.

„Yeah, of course. I was just testing what _YOU_ know.“ He scratched the back of his head nervously. „So how come you not know who you are, but know about all these things, about people and the world?“ his voice lowered.

„Good question.. It´s like I know exactly who I am, and what I feel and why I would do certain things.. I just don´t know what´s my name, where i came from, what do i do, or why am I exactly here..“ you thought it didn´t sound as crazy as it was, but he happened to understand is. You looked at your arms for a second, touched the bandages and pushed it a little – hoping you´d get some memories back by the pain. You let out a silent groan and immediately regretted even the thought of trying it.

Castiel, the man sitting so patiently next to you, reached out and landed his hand on your knee. You didn´t even realize how close his chair was to your bed until now. You should´ve jumped and run or kick him cause he´s a total stranger, how dare he touches you? But you didn´t. _This is just a dream anyways._ His hand was warm and comforting. Then he spoke „Can I touch it?“

And _that_ was the time you freaked out. „What the..?! PERV! Why would you ..!?“ you could´t believe what he just said. You thought he was a good man, with good intentions. But he touched your wrists for God´s sake! And.. you didn´t backed out. _It didn´t hurt._ How come it didn´t hurt? You must´ve looked like you just saw a ghost or something. By the time he let go, his face went from curious to anxious. That made _you_ feel anxious.

„I don´t understand“ was all he said.

„You don´t say?!“ you then got out of the bed and ran towards the door.

Castiel popped up right in front of you and put his hand carefully on your shoulder before you even realized what just happened. „I ´m sorry if I scared you, I didn´t mean to. You need to rest, I´ll come check in later. And please.. don´t tell anyone I was here.“ Just as he finished the sentence, he was gone. Like totally gone, as he had just teleported or something. Like, this whole thing was not weird enough.

„Awesome! I´m crazy even in my damn dreams!“ with that said, you layed back on your bed, closed your eyes, and fell back to sleep.

***

Next day on the visit, the doctor came with 2 other men and a woman wearing suits – looking like federals. You didn´t understand why would they want to see and speak to you. But you wanted to know who you were too, so you agreed to listen to what they wanted to say.

„Miss, we´re FBI agents and just want you to sign some papers before we take you to interrogation.“ One of the men spoke.

„wha-why-what did I do? I´m sorry sir, I already told like a hundred times that i don´t remember anything. If it´s about the nurse I hurt, I thought she was okay..“ you said as you felt guilty already for something you don´t even remember doing.

„Yeah, well, glad you brought that up. She´s dead, and other people too, so you´re coming with us for polygraph and other tests. You either belong to an asylum or prison. It´s up to you sweetheart.“ He threw a block of papers on to your lap.

You looked at them with tears in your eyes, blocking everything he said afterwards and only focused on your _breathing_. It got faster and faster, you felt heat coming from your stomack up to your face. You felt your cheeks redden and a breath stuck in your throat. Your heart was bumping like it wanted to jump out right into your hands, but it stayed inside and you wished it didn´t. You wanted to _escape_ , you wanted a way out of this hell you weren´t even sure was real.

Few seconds later you open your eyes just to see the doctor and 2 nurses running around you as if you´d just fainted. And yes, you did pass out from the panic attack.

The agents were still there, and as you started getting your sight back and could breathe normally, they stood back next to your bed just where they were earlier. The woman sat down to the end of your bed, and she seemed worried. She was way more sympathetic than the men were.

„The nurse you mentioned.. she committed suicide the other day. We have proof that if was because of you..“ she said with pity in her voice.

„I didn´t do anything! Believe me! I was in a come and then I woke up here. I don´t even know how she looked like..“ you said with self-defense. You didn´t understand anything.

„Right right, we know, you remember nothing blabla..“ the taller guy said with disgust. „Then why the hell did she write in her last note that you said horrible things to her when she just wanted to help you, you pathetic bitch! She wrote down all the horrible things you threw at her, you made her feel guilty and worthless, you bullied her to death! and you know, fortunately this is punished here“ he was almost screaming sometimes.

You cried out loud as you listened to his words, but couldn´t believe it. You couldn´t harm a fly, why would you want a nurse to be dead? What did she do to you?

„I-i-I´m so sorry I´m so sorry..“ you kept repeating.

„Now you are, don´ya? Fine. Proove it. Sign this fucking paper and we´ll see.“ The shorter man hissed.

„What should I write? I... I don ´t know my name..“ you almost whispered.

„Jane Doe will do. Please be patient, we´ll find out what happened.“ The woman tried to calm you. The men didn´t like it tho. The tall one holds out a hand with a pen, and as you try to take it, he quickly grabs your hand and chains it to the bed with a handcuff.

„Why isn´t this monster tied down?“ they left the room, and you were completely

_alone_.


	3. Wanted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You wake up in a motel room where the man took you after he rescued you from the psychiatric institute. You´re wanted by the police and FBI but no one remembers how you look like. Cas tells you everything about the supernatural world, he takes you to his friends who can help with all of the shit you´re dealing with.

Rain.

It could have been the middle of the night when you found yourself staring at the window bars. The moon shined through the trees that were knocking on the glass. The storm perfectly represented what was going on in your mind. You cried your eyes out and thought it will bring you to sleep, but it didn´t. All those things the agents were saying.. you could not believe them.

You wanted to turn away from the scene that has already engraved into your eyeballs, but as you rolled to your other side, you felt horrible pain split into your right wrist. _Handcuff_. You just realized how quickly you moved cause of all the anger inside of you, the handcuff must´ve opened the stitches. There was blood all over your arm and the sheets.

„Awesome!“

_Should you call for the doctor or a nurse? Should you scream? Should you ask for help? Do you want to? Should you just give in? Fall asleep and never wake up again?_

„God.. please.. what should I do now?..“ you asked yourself whispering.

Wings rustling. Footsteps. A familiar, warm voice.

„I´ll take care of you.“ He said. But you couldn´t really hear it. You saw a blurry silhouette, tried to talk but no words came out. He came closer and touched your shoulder carefully.

The sound of the rain, the awful smell of the old psychiatric room, the handcuff. It was all gone.

 

***

The next day you woke up in a cheap motel room - threadbare wallpaper on the walls, a blinking lamp on the nightstand, smelly sheets, and a warm blanket wrapped around you. Your bandages were changed to new ones. _It didn´t hurt anymore_. You looked around and saw the man in the trench coat. You opened your mouth to talk, but something stopped you. You don´t know this man. He just abducted you from psychiatry. He could´ve been some sociopath. Or a perv.

You just realized that the first time you saw him.. you thought it was _just a dream_. He just popped up of nowhere. Just like last night. How did he get you out of there? How the hell did all of this not scare the shit out of you? You needed answers, and you were gonna make sure to get them.

„H..Hi there!“ you tried to put on a smile but you just grimaced like an idiot.

„Hi, Jane. Are you feeling better now? I hope you don´t mind that I took you to a cheap motel. I.. I´m not a wealthy man.. at least not here..“ you didn´t understand that, but you nodded as an „it´s fine“. He came closer and sat down at the end of your bed. „I know this is all strange and frightening, but you gotta understand that I´m here to help you.“ You nodded again.

***

Days went by.

You´d stay inside all day watching TV, reading the newspaper, going out only for a run every afternoon. You could never look at anyone. You could never talk to anyone. That was an order from Cas, but you knew he was right. He was always away somewhere all day, but he´d be back by every night so he could keep an eye on you.

He did never sleep. You couldn´t either. So he just sat there, telling a story every night before you finally fell asleep. Not that his tales were so boring, but his voice was so calming. _Like a_ _choir of angels_.

Weeks went by.

Castiel would ask you questions every day. Sometimes the same as before, sometimes new questions. Strange ones. But you agreed to listen to him and try to answer them. In return, he would answer some of your questions too.

One night while you were both watching the news, a familiar face popped up. A photo of a woman. The FBI agent, who was so nice to you even tho there was evidence that you made a nurse commit suicide. She was a beautiful woman. Despite that she was a cop – living a difficult, dangerous life – she had kids. You turned up the volume and you realized it was a statement of her _death_. She was killed in her own house and was adjusted as a suicide. At least that´s what the FBI is saying. There was an arrest warrant against an _unknown woman_ with no photo, but an attestation of two agents and a doctor, that the mentioned woman was dangerous and mentally ill, and both her wrists have suicide attempt marks on it.

The blood froze in you. So that´s what the world thinks you are. That´s why Cas keeps you here. You´re killing people without even knowing it. You were freaking out, having a panic attack, almost fainted when Castiel stepped next to you and held your hands. He asked you to look at him and calm down. You breathed in, and out. In and out until your heartbeat went back to normal speed.

„I brought you here so you could be safe. I wiped out the agents´and doctor´s memory, so they won´t remember you. For all these days I was trying to figure out what happened to you. All those questions were to help us figure out who you are. But I.. I have no answers. I´m so sorry. This has never happened to me before. I failed. I´m sorry.“ His voice sounded deep, but he was speaking like a child. Confused, guilty, yearning for forgiveness.

„I don´t know what you´re talkin about! I don´t understand any of this!“

He took a deep breath, asked you to sit down, and started speaking. He finally told you who he was. _Castiel, the angel_. It didn´t surprise you. Not at all.

He told you all about other creatures, about demons, ghosts, werewolves, witches, vampires, leviathans and more. He´d told you about the hundreds and thousands of brave hunters, that sacrifice their own lives just to save the innocent. To save the world. And of course, there were the angels. He told you, despite all the belief and biblical story, there were bad guys between them too. You were lucky to have one of the good guys on your side. _You believed him_. All of what he told you. There was no doubt in you. You could trust him with your own life. Well, that´s what you did actually. Every single day since he brought you out of that white room.

You suddenly felt worthless again. Now you know that every horrible thing you could imagine, was actually real. Every monster under the beds, every ripped out throat, every evil asshole was real. And there were you. One of them. You just couldn´t categorize yourself yet. But you were bad. Evil. You hurt people. The nurse.. the FBI agent.. they were just trying to help you. And now there are families mourning their loved ones, all because of you.

Cas realized what was going on in your head so he came closer and put his arm on your shoulder.

"You´re not what _you_ think you are. You´re not what _they_ think you are. You´re a good person. I know that. We, angels, really do know these kind of things, and I´m pretty positive about you. Look.." He saw that this didn´t change your mind " I wouldn´t be here If I would think you´re some kind of threat. I think you were cursed. The witch who did this to you, knew that you were pure and selfless, and any harm right towards you would be useless. So they made you hurt others involuntarily, because seeing and knowing that _you_ hurt _others_ , makes _you_  suffer more." he looked angry. He couldn´t imagine how would someone ever want to make you hurt.

"And why does all of this not affect you? I mean, I´m glad I´m able to talk to someone who won´t die after that." you let out a little laugh, then realized there´s nothing funny about it.

"I think it only affects people. This could be some kind of punishment.. or revenge. That´s why we should be working on how to get your memories back, so we can identify that witch and kill it." his words sounded harsh, but determined. He really did _care_ of you.

"Okay, so what´s the plan? So far we´ve got nothing. I´m still just some Jane Doe, nothing more. Oh yeah, and a serial killer." just as you spilled out those words you felt your dinner coming back in your throat, but managed to swallow it before you puked on Cas. 

"I´ll take you to my  friends. They´re hunters, the best of them all. They´ll help." and with that, he placed his hand back on your shoulder and you teleported out of that motel room you´ve never got to see again.


	4. Cas´s secret (not a lingerie brand)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas takes you on a shopping spree, then you finally meet the legendary Winchesters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a filling before the exciting part. sorry, I don´t really have time next to school. But I´m really looking forward to see what you think of the upcoming story.

"Your friends live in a shop or what?" you frowned when he opened the door of a clothes shop.

He didn´t answer until you stepped inside. There were lots and lots of pink stuff - tank tops, onsies, fluffy socks; but mostly there were all kinds of lingerie - from casual/ordinary to slightly provocative ones. The walls were covered with the words "Victoria´s secret". 

You looked at Cas in confusion and frustration. What you didn´t expect was seeing him blushing. His face was burning red and he was mumbling something about the "wrong shop choice". 

"You need some new clothes because you were wearing the same 2pieces for months now. I focused on women´s shops and didn´t expect this one. Anyways we should go look around and find another one. I don´t wanna know what this Victoria lady´s secret was." he looked away quickly pretending like he saw something interesting through the window.

"Well, I do." you said with a wide smile that made him even more embarrassed. "Like you said, I´ve been wearing the same clothes for forever now, and a girl needs some nice and comfortable new bras. So excuse me, heaven is waiting for me." Cas looked at you more confused than ever of hearing that last sentence. He wanted to warn you not to bring up "heaven" in such context, but you just threw a thong at him to shut him up. It worked, following with an other blush on his cheeks, you felt satisfied teasing him like that. You never smiled or laughed before, as far as you can remember, so it felt nice to finally have some fun.

You tried on some and decided to buy 2sport bras, 2cupped ones, a bralette som panties and socks. You just figured out that you´re not one of those girly attention-seekers who dress like they´re going to a party every day - as most women were at the shop. But that´s okay too, you just prefered being comfortable over looking hot. 

"Cas?.." you asked, looking at the pricetags.

"What?" he was still uncomfortable standing amongs women. They were all staring at him, some with curiosity, some were just checking him out. Even though he looked a bit ridiculous in that trench coat, he was cute.. and hot, kinda. 

"How are we going to pay for these? And how did we even pay for anything before? You´re an angel, so that means you don´t get payed with cash for your voluntary mission." you let out a little laugh at your own joke. You needed that. But Cas wasn´t so into it.

"I... I learnt some tricks from my friends. The hunters I´m taking you to. Don´t worry, I´ll handle this." and he grabbed the goods from your hands and went to the counter.

You managed to go to 3other shops before you walked into an alley so no one can notice your special way of travelling. You were both packed up with different brands of full bags. You bought a few jeans, shorts, sweatpants, a hoodie, but mostly oversized or band t-shirts (you don´t know why, they just felt kind of familiar and attracted you like a magnet - you thought maybe you actually listened to these bands, so why not?) and of course flannel shirts. It was love at first sight. Well, with 7 of them - one for every other day. And a faux leather jacket. You also grabbed some Converse and black boots. Cas seemed to have a lot of money, but you didn´t question it. You told him to pay everything back when you could. 

 

***

 

You popped up before a huge military building - you assumed. Before Cas began knocking on the door, he turned to you.

"I..I think you should put on your hoodies.. and this too" he handed the sunglasses to you that he just took out of his coat. _When did he buy that?_

"What for?" but suddenly realization came to your mind "Yeah, sorry. Of course. No need for another dead body, huh?" you took the sunglasses, and searched for the hoodie. 

When you were done Cas knocked on the door for 3times. He didn´t knock that hard, but the whole building started shaking of it. _Angel magic_ \- you thought.

You heard the door open, but refused to look at the men who came out of the building.

"Hey, Cas! Wassup?" said one of them with a low voice and an interesting accent.

"Who´s that?" said the other one. His voice was also low, mixed with confusion.

"She´s my friend. You have to help her." Cas himself got surprised of the concern in his own voice.

"Ehmm, alright now, come in." 

 

*** 

"Do you have a name?"

"I´m Jane Doe. Oh Fuck! Sorry! I mean.. Fuck! I´m sorry!" you put your hands to your mouth to try to shut yourself up. But it was too late. You spoke. 

You and Cas discovered, that if you look at someone, talk to them, and accidentally even touch them - they become victims of your _ghost bully_. But you had to do all three of them. So if someone knew how you look, how you sound and had physical contact with you - it would all become a mental terror to them. That´s why the nurse got it (the doctor never touched you with bare hands), and the FBI agent secretly put a hand on your feet to help you calm down when the panic attack got to you while there were there.

"Calm down sweetheart! Geez what´s wrong with you?" Said one of them. You looked up a little to peep out so you could see he´s a bit shorter than then his brother, but you didn´t let to show yourself to them.

"Cas! Who is she? And why is her name Jane Doe? She´s either unknown, must be withheld in a legal action, or her parents were crap at the name choice." Said the taller one.

"First one." said Cas with a sad undertone.

"And why does she look like a dementor?"

"A what?" you didn´t know what that meant, but it sounded insulting.

"She has to be covered. She.. she´s cursed."

"So what? She gone full _Quasimodo_?" said the shorter one again. The taller man just stood there staring at you all the time, so you tried to hide every inch of your body till you looked like an idiot. "Notre Dame, Cas! Oh you unaducated angel."

Cas explained what kind of curse you had going on. He told them everything he knew about you. Well, that wasn´t much. But maybe the four of you can figure things out. 

"Whoah. I´ve never heard of something like this. It must´ve been a really powerful witch who did this.. Anyways, I´m Dean." He reched out a hand to shake yours but immediately pulled back as he thought about the consequences. You nodded, then started playing nervously with the zipper of your sweatshirt.

"cough.. my name is, ehm.. Sam. Hey. Nice to meet you!" 

"No need for sugarcoating. There´s nothing nice about me. I killed people." even you were suprised at the confession.

"Don´t say that, Jane! You´re actually a really kind person. A beautiful, funny woman, who just happened to be a target of an evil prick." Cas stepped closer to you, and put a hand on your shoulder in reassurance.

"Wa..wa..wait a minute! How long have you known each other?" Dean asked.

"For like 3 months now." you said. It didn´t matter since you´ve already talked to them.

"3 months.. seriously? You kidding me Cas?! I thought we were family! How could you keep a secret like this from us?!" Dean was already yelling but then his fist met the wall and you jumped in fear. He noticed that, put his hand back to his side and cleared his throat. "I mean, I thought we already had a conversation about that. We promised, no more hiding secrets, remember?"

"Yes, and I´m sorry. But I had to make an exception. You should understand that. It was for her safety. And by the way, you were busy cracking down that vampire ness." Cas´s hand was still on your shoulder.

"Okay, okay. We´ll discuss this later. Don´t start a fight right in front of her. She just met us, and we are supposed to help her. And why would she even trust us when we behave like this?" Sam said. He saw his brother agreeing by a nod, then turned to you with his body, but looking at the ceiling instead of you. "You should get some sleep, I bet the _travelling_ was exhausting. We´ll talk tomorrow." 

"Right, thank you." you picked up the bags and followed Sam as he showed you your room.


	5. Things you like and things you don´t

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Sam get to know each other a little bit. All the research is pointless. And you manage to make the worse mistake: You´re going to kill a Winchester.

You slept over 5hours, and your body thought it was enough, so you had to wake up in the middle of the night. This wasn´t new to you, moreover, this was the longest time you´ve slept in weeks.. months.

It was a nice room that you got, but it needed some clean up. The bed was more comfortable than the one in the motel, and so far it was already the closest to a place that felt like  _home_. 

You were bored. And curious. You wanted a little adventure, so you sneaked out of your room and started exploring the bunker. You picked up a flashlight on the way and looked in behind every door. You found the kitchen and you realized you ate nothing yesterday. Your stomach made a growling noise in agreement. So you went to the fridge and fished out some sandwitch leftovers. You didn´t care that it was half eaten, it was food and it was enough. As you took a bite, you spat it out right away. You looked down on the sandwich and pulled out the ham. _Fuck._  At the time you´ve spent with Cas you noticed you feel disgust towards meat. It´s probably because you were vegetarian, and your body remembered that. You really loved animals, so it could be an answer to that. Every time you went running to the park, you always stopped to pet the dogs or cats hanging out there. But of course you didn´t wait for their owners to start talking to you. 

You threw out the ham and continued eating what was left. You heard noises and the kitchen door opened. You quickly turned aroud, so whoever steps in would not see your face. 

"Hey! uh.. havin a hard time sleeping?" he asked.

"yeah, um, I was just hungry. I´m sorry I ate your food, I´m gonna pay it all back as soon as I can, I promise!" you said trying to cover your face as much as you could.

"No, no, no. Don´t worry about that. And don´t even apologize for a half-eaten sandwich." he laughed. "Here, have some pie instead." and he put a plate on the table.

"Thanks. Sam, right?" you asked, and he didn´t answer right away.

"Yeah, how did you know that? We just met a couple hours ago, and you don´t even know how I look like." you could hear the surprise in his voice.

"It´s your voice. I mean, that I can hear how tall you are." you just realized how stupid this sounded. "Sorry.. ehm.. it´s nothing special. When I close my eyes, and focus on the sounds, I can hear where does it come from. And I figured out that Dean is the shorter one cause he speaks a little bit louder, I guess. Or because he was yelling..But um, yeah I hope this makes sense." Sam let out a little laugh and stepped closer. 

"Yes, it does." he said putting the plate with the pie on the cupboard next to you.

"You shouldn´t come close to me. You could accidentally look at me. It´s dangerous" you said nervously. "but thanks for the pie. I think I´d rather eat that in my room."

"Jane, just relax. We´re professionals. I can handle this. Nobody gets hurt in here. And anyways, I can´t sleep either, so how about we just talk a little, and I promise not to look at you." he sounded tired, but curious. You nodded, but he didn´t reply. He must´ve been looking away, just as he said. So you let out a quiet "okay", grabbed the pie and sat down to the table.

"Right, so.. this is gonna be interesting." he chuckled, and pulled a chair behind yours, so your backs were facing.

"So, what do you wanna know? I can assure you, this is not going to be a long conversation, as I don´t know who I am." 

"Yes, but you happen to know what things you like, I mean those are feelings. Feelings cannot be forgotten, they just exist, you want them or not." he said firmly, and it made you question yourself too.

"Interesting. But I think you got a point."

"Really? awesome. So that means, you know a few things about yourself. that´s great. That´s a start." you don´t know why, but as he was talking, he gave you some kind of hope. That you´ll really solve this, and you´ll really find yourself in all this chaos.

"Well, I know I´m vegetarian, because the thought of meat and killing animals for the pleasure of humans, makes me puke." you said while chewing on the delicious apple pie.

"Yeah, don´t mention that before Dean. He would kill a cow himself, just to eat burgers his whole life." you both laughed at that.

"And I love music. Especially rock. I´d listen to the radio in the motel we were staying, and the melodies just made me feel nostalgic. Even tho there´s nothing to remember. It made me feel warm inside. I memorized them quickly and sang along. I even bought lots of shirts with band names on it. Like Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, AC/DC, Nirvana, Pink Floyd, The Doors, etc." Sam let out a hmm in appreciation.

"Now that´s what you can mention to Dean. He´ll love that." he laughed again.

"Now, you tell me something. Something about yourself. How long have you been hunting? Did you ever want to do something else?"

"Well, my dad was a hunter, and he tought us everything. I´ve been doing this since I was a kid. Once I decided to get out of it, so I went to Stanford and studied law. I didn´t finish it.. cause the _family businnes_ got in the way. I think you can never leave this. It´s what you´re born to be. And you can´t trick fate." he let out a saddish sigh and stood up. "Alright now. You should get some more sleep. We´ll talk in the morning. Cas mentioned that you used to go for a run every day. Now, insted of that, we have a work out room, so feel free to use it anytime you want. Also we have a huge library. We´ll start searching there for the answers. We´ll get you out of this spell, I promise." 

"Thank you. Really. For everything. I´d give you hug, but you know..consider it done" you smiled.

"Yess, hugging back." he laughed. "Good night."

"Good night." and you both went to your rooms.

S

***

You couldn´t really get back to sleep, so when the clock turned to 6AM you put up gym clothes and rushed out to find the room Sam was talking about. 

There were some gym machines, a set of weights and boxing equipments. Gloves and a punching bag. _That´s the one_. It made your heart beat faster, you felt the adrenaline in your veins. You put on the gloves and stared at the bag for a moment before you started punching it. All the anger and fear inside of you came out like a storm of never stopping punches. You must´ve been doing it for hours until you realized how much it hurts. You stopped immediately, threw away the gloves and stared at your blue and purple hands. _Awesome_.

 

You went back to your room, took a shower and changed your clothes. hands still hurting. You went into the kitchen and found both Winchesters being there. You saw Dean making coffe, and Sam sitting at the table with his laptop. Before they could look up you quickly pulled the hoodie up. 

"Morning." said Sam

"Good morning, guys." you replied with a smile they couldn´t even see.

"Heyya, you hungry?" Dean asked.

"Yepp, I can make breakfast for all of us, if you´d like to." you said trying to avoid any possible eye contact.

"No, no, Dean can handle that." Sam interrupted.

"No, I insist to that. I can make eggs or pancakes.." 

"Ham and eggs, please." Dean said, acting like a guest in a restaurant.

"Dean!" Sam yelled, like he was ashamed of what Dean just said, and you just laughed.

"Hey, it´s okay. I was the one offering." you turned to Dean. "Alright, sir. Anything else?"

"Limonade maybe. You know there´s a raugh day before us, we could use some energy." Said Dean for some reason in a british-trying to be accent that made Sam roll his eyes.

"Copy that." you said still showing your back at them. 

 

***

 

The research was pointless and you started to give up, when you remembered it´s just the first day. And you didn´t kill anyone for a long time now. 

Finally, Cas appeared.

"Did you find anything?" he asked.

"No. Nothing." said Dean.

"Not yet." Sam added.

You went to Cas and gave him a hug. He hugged you back, and when you wanted to step back he pulled you back and held your hands. 

"What is this? What did you do to yourself?" his eyes were full of concern.

The boys stood up and went over to see what Cas was talking about, but trying not to look at your face.

"I..I went boxing in the morning. I couldn´t sleep, and this seemed like a good idea to pass the time. Sam told me about the gym." you said in defense.

"And he told you to smash your hands?" he was confused.

"No, Cas. This is boxing. The whole point of it was to get the anger off of me. And I didn´t realize how much I´ve gotten into it, until it really hurt. I´m sorry." you felt kind of ashamed.

"Look at me." he said. You were glad you could finally talk to someone and actually look at them. "I told you, don´t apologize for things like that. It was an accident. It´ll heal." he added.

"Heal her. That must hurt her real bad." said Sam.

"I can´t." Cas replied.

"What? Why?" both Sam and Dean were surprised at that.

"You can heal people?" you asked.

"Yes. I´m an angel. But, I can´t heal _You_. Remember the first time we met?" you nodded, he continued "I asked if I can touch your scars, but nothing happened. There´s something in you, that does not let me." 

"It´s.. it´s okay Cas. Don´t worry, I´m fine."

"How is this even possible? I´ve never heard of something like this before." said Sam.

"Yeah, me neither." said Cas. 

"Okay, so let´s write that to the "what we need to figure out" list too. Wait, it´s full!" yelled Dean.

"Dean. Please, calm down. Your awful need of using sarcasm never solved anything." mumbled Cas.

"You´re right. I should go grab a beer and hook up with a stranger instead." he said storming out of the room and slamming the door.

 

***

This went on for weeks. Pointless searching, faceless talking. Sometimes the boys would go out for an other case. But mostly, it was boring. You already have read like a 100 books, got to know a lot of things about the supernatural world - that was the only thing that kept you alive in the boredom. One day you found John Winchester´s diary and read it secretly every once in a while. He seemed like he was such a great hunter, smart, brave and strong. You wished you could remember what your parents were like. Do they look for you? Are they even alive? Did _you_ kill them? You´d search the internet for missing people, hoping that you´ll find a  photo of yourself, and find family and friends within. But nothing. There was absolutely nothing. There was a reason you´re called Jane Doe.

 

 

You were all sitting at the library, doing the usual research. Dean was making a hexbag. You watched as he put two bones from a chicken's foot, an unbroken spider egg, equal quantities of lavender and hemp, and goofer dust and placed them in a piece of cloth bound with leather. He was done when you stood up accidentally pushing his hand so he dropped the hex bag. As you were mumbling apologies you leaned down to pick it up but so did Dean at the same time. Your fingers touched and you started freaking out.

"Oh, no! God, I´m so sorry Dean I didn´t mean to I´m sorry!" you were almost having a panic attack when it got even worse.

"Hey, calm down. It´s okay." and Dean just realized he looked right into your (y/e/c) eyes as he was talking. "Oh, shit." 

It scared the hell out of you and you slammed your hands into your face and tried to cover it but it was too late.

"Cas! Damnit! CASTIEL!" you screamed.

Finally you heard the sound of angel wings and looked over. There he was. Cas will fix this. He´ll use his angel magic and he´ll heal Dean so he won´t die. It´s gonna be fine - you repeated to yourself.

"What happened?" he asked as he looked at you and Dean. You were both in shock.

"Ask her! Maybe it wasn´t a good idea to bring a ticking bomb into our home, Cas!" Dean yelled. "What if she´s not who she says she is? huh? what if she was lying the whole time? What if there´s no freaking amnesia and she´s just playin us? What if she´s here to kill us?"

"Dean! What´s wrong with you? She has nothing to do with the murdering. You think she wanted to be cursed? Yes, people are dying because of it, but it´s her that suffers the most! Every time someone dies, she can feel their pain. The nurse, the agent. And she can´t do anything about this." you were glad Cas came to your defense, but that didn´t fix things. Dean was still becoming a victim of yours.

"Shit, Cas! I don´t care, just touch my freaking forehead and make it go away!" he yelled.

"I can´t Dean, I´m sorry. It´s not something I can fix." he sounded mourful.

"Dean, you´re strong! You can beat it! I won´t let it get to ya. But if it´s all mental torture, you´re gonna fight it, you hear me! We´ve had it a lot worse before. You can fight it, okay?" Sam tried to calm him down, calm you down. 

It didn´t seem right. Dean was just trying to _help_ you. And that´s how you thank it? You kill him slowly? You can´t take another death. Not anymore. It was enough. You´re gonna find that witch who did this to you. And you´re gonna _kill it_ before it´s too late.


	6. Face to the voice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So you totally messed up the Winchesters´lives. Anything you touch gets broken in the end. You have to realize, Dean will never forgive you for what you´ve done. But you manage to make things even worse than before. Let´s see if it´s all over.. or not.

"So what now?" Sam was sitting at the table in the kitchen, asking the same question every 10minutes. He looked really tired, but his shoulders were steady, and his eyes reflected determination. "This can´t end like that. We have to find that son of a bitch that started all of this! I won´t let my brother die. Not again."

"What do you mean by _not again_?" you knew how stupid that sounded, and that it wasn´t the right time to ask him about their past. But you had to know.

Sam sighed, but decided to tell you everything they´ve been through. It was a lot. A lot of painful crazy shit. You could´t believe your ears. How are they able to stay focused and sane after all of that? How are they still capable of living? You´d probably go nuts after that. But you remembered that short second when you saw Dean. You saw his light green eyes and yes, it was just for a few seconds, but it was like you have just read every single page of his life. There was real pain in those beautiful eyes, stories that he´s afraid to tell, afraid to think of. Exhaustion from the job he´s been doing his whole life. Grief for all the loved ones he´s lost. Blame, revenge and self-hate. You knew how that looked like. You´ve seen it in the mirror, reflecting from your own eyes. But besides all of that, you saw good in him. Care, concern, fearlessness, vocation and mostly - love. He´s not the kind of man who can express his feelings easily, who shows the world his kind side. He hides, he suffers in silence, he´s the kind of man who seems to be stong but is broken inside. And you could relate to that so much and you´re realizing it just now. _You need to see him. Right now._

As Sam finally got to the point in their lives when Cas brought you there, he took a pause. He wanted to look at you so bad, but he wasn´t allowed to. You felt the same way. You wanted to look at him, go there and give him a hug. You just wanted to take all their pain away. But you couldn´t. You could only do worse. And with that on your mind, you stood up and ran out of the kitchen, leaving Sam thinking what made you do that.

You need to find Dean. So you ran up to his room, didn´t bother knocking you just tore the door open. There he was. Sitting on his bed, his face in his hands. 

_Is it really happening? Does he already see you in his head? Are you telling him terrible things?  Does he know that it´s not real? That it´s just all in his head and you would never ever hurt him?_

He looked at you when the door slammed open. The look on his face was unrecognizable. You walked over to him and pulled him into your arms.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked. He wasn´t yelling anymore. His voice was quiet, low and calm.

"I want you to know that I could never cause pain to you. I would never hurt you, not even with words. I want you to remember this moment. Only this one. Me hugging you. Me, not being able nor willing to harm you." you were almost begging him.

"You think this will help? You think you can get away with it that easily?" he was mad at you, but he didn´t pull away, he let you hold him.

"No. I don´t think any of this can ever be forgiven or forgotten. I´m a bad person, maybe I deserved all of this. But you don´t. And I won´t let anything bad happen to you, I promise. Even if it costs my life." you let out a deep breath. You were the one that broke the embrace.

"I don´t need to be saved by a you. I´ve won thousands of battles, all alone. I kill monsters every day. I fought the devil. So I think I can deal with this one too. No woman can ever make Dean Winchester kill himself." he sneered and turned his back to you. 

 

***

7 days. It was a week ago that the incident happened. Dean didn´t seem to be under any pressure. He didn´t act like there was someone in his head reminding him of his mistakes 24/7. On the other hand, he haven´t looked at you since your visit in his room. It was all the same, like nothing has happened.

 

"So you say you don´t see her? You don´t have nightmares, voices yelling at you how worthless you are and stuff?" this was Cas´ everyday ritual. Asking Dean the same questions. And the answer was always..

"No, Cas! I would tell you if I wanted to kill her. Cause believe me, if she´ll mess with my head, I can´t guarantee her safety anymo.." Dean stopped when he saw you standing at the door in the library.

"I told you. If that will end this, you´re free to do whatever you want with me." your voice was steady and emotionless.

"You two are getting on my nerves." Sam rushed into the room. "You don´t even realize how much you´re alike."

"Ppff! Please! Never, ever compare me to her!" fired up Dean.

"Dean shut up! Why are you acting like a douchbag? She hasn´t done anything to you!" yelled back Sam.

"Oh yes. Not yet. But she will. And as I can see, you´ll just grab cola and popcorn and watch me die in 3D! How awesome is that!" at that time Dean´s face had gone burning red.

"Dean, just calm down. Fighting with each other will not help us. Look.. I´m trying to find that witch, but so far I´ve got nothing. It´s dead, or more powerful than we thought." sighed Cas.

"Or maybe it´s gone. Maybe somehow you fought it. You told us the nurse died 2days after.. you know... and the agent died within 3days." Sam sounded optimistic and you wanted to believe him, hell you did. But it was too much of a fairytale than reality. 

"Yeah, but I´m tougher. Maybe it needs more time to get to me." said Dean. 

"I don´t think that that´s how it works. Maybe Sam´s right. Maybe Jane´s resisting to hurt people so hard, that it broke the spell. I don´t know." said Castiel turning to face Dean. 

"Okay. So there´s only one way to figure it out." and the 3 of you didn´t even have time to ask what did Sam mean by that. You felt a large hand on your shoulder and with a careful movement he turned you to face him. 

"What the hell Sam?" you growled at him and tried to step back. His hands still on your shoulder. You felt his skin, every little scar on it. You felt how strong he is, but despite of that, his touch was the softest thing you´ve ever felt. You felt the urge to look in his eyes, tell him how stupid he is, but you froze. 

"Dammit Sam!" you heard Dean punch his fist into the wall.

"Just look at me. Please. I want you to. This is the only way we can make sure it´s gone." Sam lifted his hand from your shoulder to your neck, making you shiver all the way through your spine. He cupped your face with both his hands now and lifted it up so your eyes met his. 

His eyes were the most mysterious ones you´ve ever seen. (you haven´t seen a lot in real life - as you can remember, but through TVscreens or your laptop you´ve seen hundreds) But his.. they were so different. You couldn´t even tell what colour they are. The inner part is light brown, with amber to dark green at the outer edge, there´s blue and grey depends on how the light shines on them. 

You tried to engrave the scene into your mind so you´ll never forget this moment, but Dean and Cas´ yelling distracted you. 

"Boy, you need a haircut." was all that left your mouth. Everybody went silent at that. _How could you say that? What the hell is he gonna think about you now? How can you be this stupid?_ Your cheeks turned red and you were about to run away when Sam started smiling at you and even let out a little laugh. 

"Well I think I deserved that one." he said a little timidly, but he hadn´t stop smiling.

"Why did you do that, Sammy? For God´s sake what´s wrong with you people? Is it some kind of suicide day today?" Dean couldn´t believe his eyes. His brother just signed his own death pact.

"We´ll see." said Sam and stepped back. He looked at you once more and left.

 

***

Nothing happened for 2days. Cas was sure it´s over. But you had a strange feeling about all of this. 

You found Dean making breakfast in the kitchen, mumbled a "good morning" but when you didn´t get a response you decided to eat your eggs and toast in the library instead. 

You were reading a "men of letters" book about ghosts when someone entered the room. It was Sam. He went over and pulled a chair next to you. 

"Don´t tell me you´re intrested in hunting?" he laughed. 

"Why not? Because I´m a _girl_? well, that´s sexist. Or because I´m a _monster_? -which can be racist in our case.. I think. Kind of." you meant it as a joke, but apparently he took it way more serious and started apologizing quickly. "hey, it´s okay. I was just joking." 

"For months I didn´t see your face when we were talking, so don´t expect me to tell the difference between your serious and joking face." when you hushed up, he added "ehmm, and that was my joker side" and you both bursted out laughing. 

"Yeah it´s nice to finally put a face to the voice." you agreed.

"Sooo, I was thinking..You were right.." he cleared his throat, like he was about to say something life-changing. "I could use a good haircut." and you both started laughing again.

"Sure, I´ll do what I can. But I can´t promise anything." 

"Well, it can´t get any worse than this." he said still smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m trying my best to keep this uptadet, but I wasn´t feeling so well lately.  
> Anyways, I can´t wait to get to the exiting part. I´ve already written snipets of chapters that will contain the main plot in the story. Thanks so much for the kudos you´ve left, it makes me so happy that there are really people reading my stuff and liking it! ♥ so thank you guys! feel free to comment and share your opinions


	7. It´s happening again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was 3 days ago, when you first ever looked into Sam Winchester´s eyes, and it made you feel like the weight of the world on your shoulders have been finally taken off. But the following events proved you wrong.

It was 3 days ago, when you first ever looked into Sam Winchester´s eyes, and it made you feel like the weight of the world on your shoulders have been finally taken off. But the following events proved you wrong. 

"Morning!" you mumbled as you stepped into the kitchen still wearing your PJs. 

"Hi." answered Dean not even daring to look at you. He was like a woman forever being on her period. But you didn´t blame him. After all, he let a total stranger in his home and now he has to deal with the consequences. 

He sat at the table with his laptop, coffee on his side. He was more than likely doing research. He was longing for a hunt.. and to finally get away from your mess. 

He was always helping people, saving innocent lives. But in your case, it was different. At least, Dean thought so. Yes, it wasn´t your fault that people died. It was a curse you had to carry. But people died, and they died believing that it was you who gave the death sentence. 

"You want something to eat?" you asked shyly.

"I don´t eat salad." was all that he said before you had enough, and bursted out crying.

"I´m sorry. I´m sorry that people are dying. I´m sorry that I ended up living in your home. I´m sorry I´m such a pain in the ass! I´m sorry I don´t eat meat, and that I am a woman, a human with feelings and  I´m sorry I made your lives harder! I AM SORRY." you stopped for a moment, waited for some kind of reaction but all he did was look at you - and it was enough for you at the moment. "I didn´t want any of this. I still can´t figure out why can´t I remember. The scar on my head has already healed and I looked up on the internet and it´s impossible that after 6months I couldn´t recover and I´m going crazy because of it! Cas hasn´t checked in for 3days now and I wake up everyday with the thought that he won´t come back cause he doesn´t care anymore! Every single night I fail trying to get some sleep because all I hear is the people _I possibly killed_ screaming my name! And I can´t do anything about it! And I´m afraid that you two end up just like the others. It´s killing me Dean! Don´t you see it?" you took a deep breath and wiped away the tears from your cheeks. Dean was still looking at you. He didn´t seem to have any empathy towards you. "I´m sick of you treating me like one of those things you hunt. I´ve tried to understand your behaviour.. but I can´t. I thought you were the good guys. Maybe you were once. Maybe all those horrible things that happened to you, changed you. But I still thought there was goodness in you, Dean Winchester. Well I was wrong."you pointed at the bottle of scotch next to his coffee mug."The alcohol must have washed it all out of y.." before you could get to the end of your sentence Dean growled and grabbed you by your arms and pushed you in to the wall. 

"Don´t you ever say that again! Or I will..." he didn´t have the chance to continue cause someone stepped in to the room and shouted "ENOUGH!"

It was Cass. You didn´t care that Dean still had you in a tight grip, your eyes welled up again in joy, like a child when he sees his christmas presents. You could smell the alcohol in his breath.

"I said it was enough!" and with a slight hand movement he got Dean off of you. 

"You leave for days and then come back with this crap talk? This is my home and I do what I want." growled Dean leaning at the table.

"You´re drunk and you´re hurting her. I felt that she´s in danger, so I came. I was busy nowadays.. sorry." he apologized. 

"It´s .. it´s okay Cas. We were both kind of losing our shit." you said. Dean looked at you in confusion that you tried to protect him, after all of what just happened.

"Well, I still can´t believe what he did to you." Cas then turned to Dean. "Dean, are you..?.. are you hallucinating? is that why you pushed her?" 

Dean shook his head. He looked down on his hands. He was ashamed. Cas sighed and asked you where´s Sam. You and Dean looked up at the same time. 

You must´ve been loud enough for him to come out of his room. But he was nowhere. So all of you started running into his room. 

He was there, as you expected. He was still sleeping, moreover he was having a _nightmare_.

Sam was covered in sweat, his freshly cut hair was all wet and he wouldn´t stop shaking. 

"Sammy!"  Dean shouted as he ran to his brother´s bed. "Sam! Sammy, wake up!" he gently put his hands on Sam´s shoulder and tried to wake him up. 

"It´s okay, Sam. It´s just a nightmare. It´s okay." you whispered and held his hand.

Sam opened his eyes, still breathing rapidly. It scared the shit out of you but you managed to put your hand on his back and caressed it slowly.

"What´s wrong Sammy? What happened?" asked Dean with a shockingly calm voice. He was always so protective about Sam. His little brother was his everything, even when they argued, they always found a way to get back into the brotherhood. 

Sam´s breathing slowed down, he looked around as he didn´t know where he was. He rocognized Dean and Cas, but when he looked at you and saw your hand petting his hair, he quickly grabbed your hand and pushed you away. 

"Please stop! Please stop that Jane! I´ll do anything, just don´t hurt him!" he begged.

"Wha.. what? Sam I´m not hurting anyone. What are you talking about?" then you realized. It´s happening again. That´s why he was acting strange last night. He tried to hide it from all of you, but eventually it got to him even harder. "Oh my God! Sam that wasn´t me! I´m so sorry! that wasn´t me, believe me!"

"GET AWAY FROM HIM!" yelled Dean, and before he could even say it again, you were out of the room as quickly as possible. You didn´t want to leave Sam, but it was the best thing you could do for him. 

 

*** 

 

"I don´t understand.. I don´t understand why this is happening again, when clearly it didn´t effect Dean, not even a bit." you were curled up in your bed, Cas lying next to you. You were crying all day now and your eyes felt so heavy.

Cas held your hand and looked straight into your eyes, trying to calm you down "Shh darling.. it´s gonna be okay."

"Seeing him like that.. it just broke my heart, you know?"

"I know, I know.." he kissed your forehead and pulled you into a hug. 

This connection you had with him was indescribable. The moment you saw him at the hospital, you knew he´s gonna take an important place in your heart. He became your family. It was something Sam and Dean could never understand. Why would an angel even care about someone like you? You had so much insecurities in the past few days, but now that he´s here, you feel safe in his arms. 

You tried to stop sobbing for a minute, so you can actually make a sound. "I love you, Cass." It wasn´t a romantic confession. Loving him came so naturally to you that you just never managed to say it out loud. You never considered loving him in _that_ way. It was just love. Nothing more. Nothing less.

"I love you too. Never forget that, please." he put on a smile despite that he sounded worried. "We´re going to get through this. Together."

 

***

 

The next day you were all sitting in the library, doing researches and trying to find a solution in the Men of Letters books. 

You noticed that Sam isn´t in the room anymore and as always, you started worrying. You rushed into the kitchen, looked into every room of the building, even knocked on every bathroom door - nothing. He wasn´t in the bunker, you assumed, so you ran outside. 

The bunker was a huge building, but the land that belonged to it was even bigger. You searched through the woods, but he wasn´t there either. Finally, the last place he could be was the car. 

Sam was lying on the backseats of the Impala. His hands were covering his face, but you could still see his eyes through his fingers. They looked exhausted, hurt, afraid. 

You knocked on the window and he jumped up from the daydream and hit his head. He was a huge man and he could barely fit into the car. 

"Hey. I was looking for you everywhere. Are you okay?" this was the first time you two talked since the events of yesterday. You weren´t sure if he wanted to see you after that.

"Yeah I´m fine" he said avoiding to look at you. "I´m just tired, that´s all. Couldn´t really sleep last night. I tried to put on headphones and listen to Pearl Jam as loud as I could, but... umm.. _you were louder_."

And suddenly you felt ashamed, like it was really your fault. You should´ve never let him look at you. You should´ve never talked to him. You should´ve never get out of that hospital. 

Seemed like he sensed your self-blame so he continued "Sorry, didn´t mean it like that. You know, it´s just all so.. chaotic.. and blurry. I never know which Jane am I talking to."

"Yeah, I get it. I should be the one apologizing." you sighed "But you should come inside, it´s freaking cold outside. Just lay down in your room, we won´t disturb you." 

He nodded, and soon after you left the car, he followed.

 

***

 

"Where were you?" grumbled Dean. He was reading an old MOL book. It had a beautiful blood-red cover with some ancient writings on it.

"Can´t a girl stretch her legs out?  _mom._ " you snapped back at him. And seemingly he wasn´t in his "funny mood".. well, he never was. 

"I found something." popped up Cass from nothing.

"And where were you?" you said with Dean at the same time.

"I went to Egypt. I have a friend there, a witch, who has good intentions, and has helped me with some cases. She worked against dark magic her whole life. I told her about you, and she has no idea what we could be dealing with."

"Nice. So nothing?" 

"I said, I found something. What part did you not understand, Dean?" Dean rolled his eyes and Cas continued. "She said, there´s two ways to break the spell. Find the witch and kill it. Or logically.. kill the one who was cursed." he looked at you with a reassuring smile. "which we´re never going to commit."

"Right. So we wait till Sam bites the dust. Awesome."  he went past you and his shoulder got hit into yours. You didn´t know if it was intentional, but for sure it wasn´t a coincidence. Something fell out of his pocket, and you leaned down to pick it up. You dropped it quickly because it burned your hands. 

"Shit! What is this?" 

"It´s a hexbag. I probably left it in my pocket when i made it the other day. But it doesn´t suppose to burn like that. Girl, I told you there´s something wrong with you." he said as he picked it up himself and continued walking out of the room.

"Wait, Dean!" he turned back and looked really irritated by that time. "Was this with you the whole time?"

"Umm.. yeah. I mean, I haven´t changed my jeans for more than a week now. So yeah.." 

"You haven´t..? .. okay doesn´t matter. What matters is..what if _this made you immune_?"

"That´s impossible. This hex bag is supposed to be a shield against demons and angels. This one has nothing to do with curses." said Dean.

"Well, this is the only logical answer we could find in months. There´s no harm in trying it out with Sam." you said hopefully.

"Fine. But I told you. This is bullshit." and he left.

 

***

 

You grabbed John Winchester´s diary and searched for the key word "hex bag". As you were scrolling through the pages, many other useful informations stuck in your memory. Maybe one day you´ll be thankful for that. 

You made your first ever hex bag and you felt proud as hell. Well, Cas helped you collect the ingredients but it was you who put it together. You were´t really happy about the leather and the dead animal parts, and the fact that it was burning your hands, but saving Sam was more important right now.

You ran to his room and knocked on his door. When he didn´t answer, you rushed in just to find him in his bed again, sweating, shaking and his eyes closed.

"It´s gonna be okay buddy. Hold on!" and you tucked the hex bag into his hand. "C´mon Sammy, you can´t give up!" you stepped back and watched his fingers press around the bag. He was fighting it so hard. _He was fighting you_.

He let out a deep breath and quickly sat up on his bed. He was soaking wet, still shaking. You thought, after Lucifer messed with his head, you couldn´t do much worse in there. But you were absolutely wrong. He was seeing you for 2 days, and it already made him go nuts. 

You just wanted to wrap your arms around him, comfort him, tell him how sorry you are, tell him how much you worried about him, how much it would hurt if he died. But instead, you just screamed Dean´s name. 

He came quickly, looked at Sam, then you, and Sam again. He sat down on his bed, put his hands on his brother´s shoulders and tears ran down his cheeks.

"It worked, Dean. It worked. He´s gonna be fine." you chuckled and went out of the room leaving the brothers alone. They needed some time together. They both needed, and you were just a useless third wheel now.

You found Cas standing at your door looking concerned as always.

"He´s fine, Cas. It worked. Finally, I did something good."

"I´m glad Sam´s gonna be okay. I really am. But are _you_ gonna be okay?" he looked down at your hands feeling helpless that he cannot heal them.

"Yeah.. yeah I think so. Don´t worry bout this, it looks worse than it feels" you put on a fake smile -cause damn it hurt like hell - and pulled him into a hug. You heard your tears dropping on the shoulder of his trenchcoat. 

"Good. Cause I have to go now."

"What? Why?"

"Because.. I´m an angel. I have work to do. I don´t just dissapear to go get some ice cream. Heaven needs me."

"But.. I need you too" you know it sounded selfish, but you couldn´t do this without him.

"I know.. but I´m not gonna be such a help - stuck in here. Look, I´m trying to track down that witch, so I have to keep moving. I´ll check in soon, I promise." you felt him kiss your forehead before you opened your eyes and he was gone.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m sorry it took so long for an update. I´ve been kinda busy with school and wasn´t feeling so well either.   
> Thanks for the kudos guys! Keep reading :)


	8. My only friend, the end

You were lying on your bed listening to music and enjoying the calmness that filled the air of the room. It was the first time that you felt something like this- peace and warmth. You saved Sam. Thanks to your concern and willingness, he´s not gonna die. But you didn´t expect any signs of gratitude, after all, you just saved him from yourself. 

You changed into your PJs - panties and an oversized T shirt with _The Doors_   on it- and were just about to head back to bed when you heard someone knocking on your door.

"Come on in." You heard the door open but didn´t look up, instead you went to the bathroom - that was attached to the room - where you left your hairbrush earlier.

"Heyy.. I.. uh.. I don´t want to bother, so If you want to sleep we can talk in the morning." Dean´s voice was way softer than it used to be. 

"No, no. I´m just a bit tired, but I don´t think I could sleep yet." you came back to your room with your freshly brushed hair and found Dean blushing and trying to look away. "What?" you asked surprised at his behaviour.

"Umm, could you put on your pants?.. or just cover yourself with something.. please.." you looked down on your bare legs and were glad he was looking away, cause your face went burning as quick as a forest fire. You weren´t used to being around other people. You were always alone, no one was staring at you, not that you can remember. You sat down on the top of your bed and pulled the blanket on your lower body. When you assured Dean that he could look, you pointed towards your bed and he sat down next to you. "Thanks. So, uhm.." and before he could finally say what he wanted, you interrupted.

"I´m sorry, Dean. I really am. About Sam, about ruining your life.. everything. And I´m sorry for what I said the other day. You´re not a drunkard, you just happen to have a crap life and want to numb the pain, forget the nasty shit you´ve been through. I´m not saying I approve your way of doing that, but.. it´s your life, I shouldn´t tell you what to do with it." you looked up expecting him to be angry and ready to fight back, but instead.. he was smiling. Dean Winchester was sitting on your bed smiling at you. "What?"

"I just.. I like your shirt." you didn´t take him seriously until he started singing.

" _This is the end_  
_Beautiful friend_  
_This is the end_  
_My only friend, the end_  "

"okay okay I get it you know them" you laughed and bumped your fist into his shoulder but he didn´t stop.  
  
"Of _our elaborate plans, the end_  
_Of everything that stands, the end_  
_No safety or surprise, the end_  
_I'll never look into your eyes again_  "

"Dean stooop you gonna wake Sammy up"  
  
_"Can you picture what will be_  
_So li.."_

"Dean! Shhh"  you covered his mouth with your hand while both of you bursted out laughing. "Although, you have a pretty nice voice there buddy!"

"Alright alright now. Let´s get serious." he cleared his throat and turned to you. Seeing the concern in your eyes, he gave you a smile. "It´s me, that should be apologizing. I admit, I was a dick. I shouldn´t have treated you like that. I never got to know you because of my _Pride and Prejudice._ " he let out a chuckle on his own joke and it made you realize, that _this_ is him. This is the real Dean.

"It´s okay. We can work on that."

"Yeah.. and I.. I wanted to say thanks for the hexbag thing. You didn´t give up, even when I didn´t believe in it anymore." he reached out and put his hand on your shoulder. "You´re a good person, Jane." 

Tears welled up in your eyes and you leaned forward to bury your face into his chest. You wanted proof that his words are real. That he´s not afraid of you, and he doesn´t want to murder you. 

He wrapped his arms around you and put his chin on your forehead. "We´ll get your life back princess, I promise." 

This is what you needed. Him, to trust you. Him, to care. 

"Don´t call me that." 

He laughed and kissed the top of your head. He stayed and you talked through the whole night, till you fell asleep.

 

***

You woke up the next morning only to find Dean snoring next to you. Your head on his chest, one leg around his hips, and his arm around you.

_Fuck._

It was embarrassing but lovely at the same time. You just felt kind of confused. You were in the same bed with the man who a day ago still hated you. But now, you only felt warmness in your stomach. Even the fact that you still hadn´t got pants on could not make you feel bad.

You didn´t want to wake him up, so you gently untengled yourself from his body, put on yout sweatpants and sneaked out into the kitchen to make some breakfast.You only found bread and some cheese in the fridge so you decided to make grilled cheese. 

Right as you finished and started preparing the table, Sam stepped in.

"Morning Sam! How you feeling? I made breakfast, here" you held out his plate with the bread. "Eat. You need the energy after.." you stopped after you realized he wasn´t looking at you. "Sammy, you´re okay?"

"I´m fine." he grabbed the plate and went back to his room without thanking it. He bumped into Dean on the way, murmured a "Morning." and left.

"What´s wrong?"

You shrugged "I.. I don´t know, maybe it.. I am still effecting him." 

"He´ll get through it, He always does."

You gave him a smile and put the meal in front of him. "Good morning by the way. Was my bed comfortable enough?"

"Heey! It´s not like you protested." he snapped, tossing the half of the grilled cheese in his mouth. "And as I saw, I was a comfortable pillow too." he mumbled, smiling like a child - mouth full of food.

"Shut up and eat!" you grabbed one bread too and sat down in front of him.

It was a nice morning. The best so far. Except the part when Sam found the ceiling more interesting then you giving him meal. But he needed time, of course. He had to realize that you were not the woman from his visions. That you were harmless. He just needed time to get through it.

 

***

Days passed and nothing seemed to change. Sam was in his room most of the time, but he managed to look at you once... even if it was by accident. But your relationship with Dean only got better and better. He showed you all of his records, you listened to them for hours. It was scary how much your taste in music and movies was alike. He taught you how to shoot a gun - and you were both equally surprised when you actually did really well. You assumed, you had something to do with it in the past. Maybe you were a cop or a soldier. It would explain the _wounds_ you had all over your body. Or maybe you just liked shooting and extreme sports.

Dean went out a couple times to solve a few cases nearby, but those only lasted for a few days. He would always come home with new bruises and scars, so you got pretty good at suturing techniques and disinfecting.

Sam, on the other hand, was getting out of control. He would start fights with his brother over little things, reject going on hunts and he even refused to eat at one point. 

One night, while you were searching for a new case with Dean, you heard something break upstairs, so you rushed to find out what happened.

You found Sam leaning on the sink in his bathroom. The mirror was broken and blood was dripping down from his hand. He was breathing heavily, his eyes were red, black circles underneath. He was skinny and dirty. He looked like a junkie.

Dean went over his brother and took a piece of the mirror out of his hand and dropped it on the floor. "Sammy! Sammy you gotta tell us what´s wrong! We can´t help if you don´t talk." 

He didn´t say anything, his breathing only got faster. You wanted to comfort him but you looked at Dean for approval. He nodded and you came closer to the bathroom door. 

"Sam, it´s me. I´m here to help. I ain´t gonna talk crap about you. That wasn´t me."

Hearing that, he turned to you quickly and grabbed you by your shoulders and pushed you into the wall.

"I didn´t kill mom! I didn´t kill Jessica! It wasn´t my fault, you have to believe me!" he screamed. He was begging you to believe him and let him go, even tho he was the one holding you. He was looking right into your eyes and seeing him like that made you cry. 

"I know, I know Sam! You couldn´t do anything about that. The yellow eyed demon did it, I know that it wasn´t your fault. I believe you Sam!" even though you said exactly what he wanted to hear, he didn´t let go of you. 

Dean was trying to get in between you two "Sammy! She´s not who you think she is! It´s over! The hexbag is in your pocket, it should protect you. There´s no more nightmares. Please Sammy, just calm down!"

You saw that Dean´s speech didn´t touch Sam, so you decided to fix it on your own, after all, this is all on you. 

You tried to avoid the pain in your shoulders but Sam´s squeeze got only tighter. You cupped his face with one of your hands, while the other one ran through his hair."It´s okay. You hear me?" his grip weakened so you took advantage of it and pulled him close to you, wrapping your arms aroud him. You both dropped on the floor as he was fighting it, but you didn´t plan letting him go. Dean stood there nervously, trying to figure out how to help, but he knew he couldn´t.

"It´s okay, Sam. I´m not blaming you. What ever you heard me saying, whatever you saw, it wasn´t true." you were holding him as tight as you could, despite that he was kicking and hitting you. "Listen to me! It was all just a nightmare! I´m real, and I could never ever hurt you!" he looked like he was going through an exorcism - that view, him hurting so bad, made your heart break. 

Dean, seeing you both crying, punched his fist into the wall and dropped down on his knee next to you. "Dammit Sam!"

"Look at me!" your voice was steady now. "Sam Winchester! I said look at me!" and he finally did so. You leaned forward so your foreheads touched. You could feel his breath, his sweat, the warmth of his face. "Let it go, Sam. It´s okay now. We´re gonna be okay. Just let it go."

He let out a loud scream, and just when you thought he´s going to hit you, he just buried his face into your chest and cried out all his pain. 

Dean settled down next to you on the floor and reached out to held your hand which was still resting on Sam´s back. Sam was curled up in your lap, his upper body still pressed into your chest. He was twice your size, and weighted like 3times more than you, but you didn´t care.

This moment was your relief.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can´t believe I´m still at the beginning of the story lol. It´s gonna be a long journey guys. Can´t wait to lead you through it :)


	9. Not every witch is a bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that I have kept you waiting for so long.. It´s been a month since the latest update. I have some chapters written ahead, so maybe I´ll post another one this week

"I know you won´t like this.. but right now this is our only chance. We have to call Rowena." said Dean. 

"Who´s that? and why wouldn´t we like it?" you asked. If that person could help you, why didn´t they try that earlier?

"No. Absolutely not. She´d just cause more trouble!" Sam was almost completly healed from the trauma. Well, 3weeks have passed since, and he got back to his over-defensive mood. "She´s a witch. A very powerful one."

"Good! Then she can definitely help me! maybe she even knows who did this." 

"I said NO. End of story."

"Sam, she´s a big girl. She can decide on her own. After all, it´s her baggage." 

"Thanks, Dean." you said and put a hand on his shoulder. Sam´s forever concern was starting to annoy the shit out of you. After his relapse- the bathroom scene, he tried to reconnect with you, start trusting you again. You thought things could never be the same, but he just grew even closer to you. You´d read, whatch tv shows and cook together. But then you´d catch him crying in his room or drinking in the morning. He´d apologize for every little thing he messed up. He was blaming himslef, no matter how many times you tried to tell him that´s bullshit. So he began being overprotective of you. 

"Right, but I still don´t think it´s a good idea." he said.

"That´s our only shot. I´m gonna call Crowley." said Dean and left the room. 

" _That Crowley_?" you asked.

"Yepp. He´s Rowena´s son." after seeing the odd look on your face, Sam added. "Yes, The King of Hell´s mother is a witch. Didn´t we tell you that?"

"No, I think you forgot about that one." you sighed. "The whole time you knew a witch, who possibly knows the one who gifted me with this blessing, but somehow you forgot to mention that to me." your sarcasm didn´t lighten things up, but at least the guilty look on Sam´s face made you a tiny bit better.

"I told you, she´s dangerous. And she tried to kill us not only one time."

"Yeah,but Crowley did too, and he´s still like a bestie to you guys."

"He´s not! He´s just.. we´re like business partners." Dean protested.

"Right, right Romeo." and you left them with a final eyeroll.

 

***

 

You were all in the library, Sam and Dean drawing summoning signs on to the ground and preparing dried plants, bones and some other strange stuff, while you were sitting on a chair observing. 

"Okay now. We´re doing it, there´s no coming back from this, you hear me princess?"asked Dean carefully.

"Yes, I made my choice. Let´s dance."

Sam started chanting some latin words and Dean put the prepared things in a bowl, then lighted it. The lights went out, smoke was everywhere. You started shaking. 

_Maybe this really wasn´t a good idea._

"Hello boys!" said a female voice followed by a laugh. 

"Rowena." Dean´s voice was deep and steady. "Thanks for coming."

"Oh what else could I do? If the Winchesters want something, they´ll get it no matter what." She had an accent, that you thought was kinda cute. It made her less frightening. She was wearing a glittery green dress that was matchig with her beautiful ginger hair. 

"She´s the girl you were talking about?" you just realized there was a man standing behind you. For his and your own surprise - he didn´t scare you. He also had some british accent, looked the same age as the woman, his mother - you didn´t even question how is that possible anymore, you´ve already seen some weirder stuff. He could´ve been your father, but still you found him kinda attractive. "Hello, princess."

"Why is everyone calling me that?" you snapped at them. 

"Easy there kiddo." he smiled at you. "If you don´t want her I´ll gladly adopt her." he looked at the boys nodding towards you.

"This is not an auction Crowley." Dean growled then he turned to the woman. "Can you help her, or not?"

"Maybe yes maybe not. What´s my profit from it?"

"We won´t kill you, that´s what." smiled Sam.

"Oh yeah. What was I expecting?" she let out a laugh. "Well, I´ll consider it, if you promise me one thing."

"What?"

"You´ll owe me. So if I need help, in anything, I just call, and you two jump right away!"

"No!" you shouted. And she finally looked at you - for the first time since she popped up. "I will owe you. They have nothing to do with this. You´ll be helping me, not them."

"Ahahah! How lovely. Tell me, princess, what is so special about you? How can I benefit from you?" she was talking like you were her dog or something. It made you just angrier. 

"Jane! Don´t talk to her!" 

"Shut up Dean! You said that it´s my choice, then act like it!" 

"You don´t know her. And you don´t need more bullshit in your life!" he walked to you and put his hand on your shoulder. "Let us help you. We can deal with the concequences."

"Listen to your boyfriend, princess." said Crowley. "My mother can be a real bitch sometimes."

"Fergus!" she snapped at him. "How dare you talk like that about your own motha?!"

"Oh please. God forgive me." 

"Enough. And he´s not my boyfriend. Can you help me or not?" 

"I´ll see what I can do."

 

*** 

 

You were locked in the bunker for 3 days now with Rowena. The boys said you could give up anytime and they would not blame you for it. They warned you about Rowena´s unbearable personality. But you liked her. She was stylish, unique, smart and passionate about magic. You definitely could see the danger in her, but you didn´t feel threatened around her. 

"Why do you have such a bad relationship with your son? And why do you call him Fergus?"

"Ohoh darling." she laughed. "that´s a long long story. I´ll tell you sometime. But right now there´s no time for talking, we need to focus on that little problem of yours."

"Okay. But I wanna hear that story one day." you smiled at her and stood up from your chair, heading back to the kitchen to bring some snacks, but the witch stopped you with only one hand move.

"Wait. Why are you so interested? Why do you even care?"

"I was expecting to be afraid of you..."

"Well, me too" she interrupted with a curious look on her face.

"I like you, Rowena. You treat me like a mother.. kind of. For these few days that you´ve been here, this is the closest anyone ever got to treat me like a mother - at least as I remember. Maybe it´s all businnes for you, maybe it´s not intended, but you care, I can see it. I don´t know why, sorry, maybe you do this because you miss being a mom for Crowley." 

"Enough! I have no feelings, I learned that love won´t buy you anything, and yes you´re right, I have no intention of taking care of you."

"Sorry. I just thought.. forget it. Let´s just get back to work." you turned around and walked into the kitchen.

_Why did you say that? Why would she care? You thought she´s like your mother? You know her for 4days or less, what did you expect? Why are you so stupid?  Why do you keep messing things up?_

Horrible thoughts filled your mind, and you found yourself curled up on the ground leaning to the cupboard with your back.

You heard footsteps but didn´t have the time to stand up.

"Is anyone home? Moose? Squirell?" it was Crowley. "Oh hey princess. Have you seen.."

you quickly wiped away the teardrops from your cheeks and stood up smiling "Hi there. The boys are on a hunt. Vampire thingie."

"I see." he started circling around you, measuring you from head to toe. 

"What?" you asked, still trying to hold back the sobbing. 

"I just.. There´s something in you, that I can´t recognize." 

"What do you mean?" 

"You´re different from any other human being I´ve met. And believe me, I´ve met some. A lot more than you can imagine."

"Maybe it´s because you think I´m a monster too."  you sighed

"A monster? No. I´d rather say.. special." he smiled.

"Wow. Just woow. I never thought that a demon, The King of Hell will be the one being nice to me." you both laughed. "Except, if you have some ulterior motives"

"I´m not trying to get into your pants, if that´s what you thought. You´re not my type"

"No no. I mean any evil motives." you tried to sound prim but you couldn´t help but blush. 

"Well, you could really do something for me." when he saw your scared look he added "not like that, princess."

"Okay, what´s that?"

"I feel like my mother really does kind of like you.."

"No, she doesn´t. I thought so too, but when I asked her, she said she´s not capable of feeling such things."

"Now, that´s what you´re going to help me about."

"I don´t get it...sorry"

"Jeez.. I want you to bring my mother back. With actual feelings." he said, sounding ashamed.

"I... I thought demons can´t feel either. What made you be so..  _human_?" 

"I.Am.Not! I mean.. there was a time, when I got addicted to human blood.. and it made me.. feel again. It brought back the old memories of being a real person."

"I.. I didn´t know that."

"Well, when I was a kid, my mother, Rowena left me. She didn´t even want me in the first place. All she cared about was magic and her career. I never got to experience what a mother´s love means to a child.." he cleared his throat and continued "But I don´t care about that now, I want her to care about me again, so I wouldn´t have to worry about her planning a revenge on me every single day. And so I can get back to being The King of Hell my demons want to see."

"Ooookay.. If that´s the case, I´ll help you gladly." you winked at him and left. You knew he was lying, you could see it in his eyes. There was a reason the Winchesters trusted him, maybe he´s more of a human than he´s a demon now. Maybe he´s not a lost case. Maybe you aren´t a lost case either.

 

***

 

After a month of therapy-like sessions with Rowena, woodoo and black magic, the witch finally had some answers.

"C´mon people I´m not gonna tell this twice. I want my life back already" she grumbled.

"Only if it was effective" said Dean.

"Okay okay. So, this is all I could get." she stood up from her chair so everyone in the room could see and hear her."Jane can be over 24-27 years old, the curse was activated when she turned 21..." she took a deep breath.

"That´s it?! What do you mean  _activated_?" asked Sam.

"She was born with it. But it was put on her like a timed bomb." she looked sad somehow. 

"Why? Why would anyone curse me before they even knew me?" you felt a panic attack coming, but Dean´s hand smoothing your back made it go away. It was the comfort you needed. You looked back at him, thanking with a nod.

"I don´t know. I´ve never experienced such anger, pain and seek of revenge in a curse. Someone must´ve been really pissed at your parents, or grandparents.. or mybe a relative from decades ago"

"My.. my parents? Do you know who were they?" you asked shyly. You stepped back bumping your back into Dean´s chest. He didn´t pull away, moreover, he held you tight to himslef  _like he never wanted to let go of you_. But you knew it was all just in your head. He was acting like that because he felt sorry for you. Because he knew what it was like to lose both your parents.

"I´m so sorry darling. I was trying my best, but there´s a wall in your mind. I can´t break in." she was being honest, you could tell. 

"A wall?" you asked. "What the hells is that?"

"It supposed to cover a part of your memory, hide it away so you won´t remember that part of your life." Sam´s voice was filled with pain and grief.

"You talk like you´ve got some experience. What happened?"you didn´t mean to sound so harsh, but you wanted to know the truth even if it opened some wounds in him. You were selfish, and you couldn´t care, not right now.

"We told you the story, when Sam lost his soul.." started Dean.

"Yeah, I remember. After he came back from the cage, his soul was left behind. He did horrible things, but then he got it back and he was himself again."

"Yeah, you know the shorter version of it.. well when his soul was in the cage with Lucifer, it was being demaged and tortured.. so when he got it back, Death put up a wall in Sam's head, shielding him from the memories of Hell and all the badness that came with it." Dean said with a similar grief in his voice. It hurt him too, seeing his brother like that must´ve been just as hard.

"Wait.. Death?  _The Death_?"

"Yepp... So Death told Sam not to scratch the wall, else bad things will happen. I told him too. And what does he do? Pokes and scratches at it until minor cracks start emerging. One trickle of memories gives way to another trickle of memories and then he finds himself seizing on the floor. But he didn´t care, if it helped him fix all the mess he's done, and if that means he's got to sacrifice his own well-being to do it, then that's what he's willing to risk..He´s a freakin Winchester, that´s what we usually do. " Dean finished the story with a proud smile towards his brother.

"ugh get a room already!" teased Crowley. The boys gave him an eyeroll, but it only made him smile even wider.

"So you´re saying, that I can crack the wall? That I can  _remember_?" 

"Yes. But you have to be prepared. Maybe you won´t like what´s there." answered Sam, but you couldn´t look at him. You were so busy with your problems, you didn´t even think about how hard it could be for him back then. How many times did they solve bigger messes than yours, how much more pain have they tolerated.. and you couldn´t look him in the eyes and tell him you´re sorry, cause all that mattered to you was your own well-being.

_That´s why you´re going to end up alone. That´s why the moment you´re freed from this curse, they´ll abandon you. That´s why Cass left you. Because you´re selfish. You´re nothing more than a pathetic freak._

 

"And one more thing kids. The spell has a loophole. It can be broken with  _The Act of True Love_." 

"The what??!" you asked in disbelief.

"You heard it." she walked towards you and put her hand on your chest. "This sentence is engraved into your heart."

"Awesome. I´m never gonna get rid of this."

 

_***_

While Rowena was packing up, Crowley pulled you aside. 

"Thank you puppy." he said.

"What? For having the worst luck in this world?"

"No. I saw the way she looked at you. She cares about you. That´s good. Maybe she´ll start feeling again."

"I´m glad I could help. You know, you two aren´t that bad. I know, you´ve killed many people... and that is bad, evil. But right now, I can see goodness in you Crowley. You know, it´s never too late to change for a better version of you." 

"You´re talking to The Ki.."

"The King Of Hell, I know. But I still think the same." you smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheeks. "At least, try to fix things with Rowena. She can be a real bitch, you know." you both started laughing as you mimicked him. "But he´s your mother. Be glad you still have one."

He nodded and you left.

You found Rowena all packed up, ready to leave. But before she could do so, you stopped her and gave her a big hug.

"Thank you!" you let go of her just to see the surprise on her face.

"Well, If you want to chat sometimes, you know where to find me." she grabbed her bags, turned around and walked away.

 

***

"Finally, the bunker is free from demons and witches. Aaand the smell is almost gone. I can eat in peace now." Dean mumbled with his mouth full of a burger and french fries. 

"Dean! They really helped us. Be thankful." you said stealing some from the fries. 

"The Act of True Love. Honey, you believe that crap?"

"I don´t know, Dean. But that´s all we´ve got right now." you sighed. You wanted to believe her, but even if you did, where´d you find someone who could love you with true love? You can´t even talk to people, nor look at them. That would never work. "Tomorrow I´ll start reading some Men of Letters books, maybe I can find something on it. But right now, I just need a hot shower and at least 6hours of sleep."

"Right, good night princess!"

"Goodnight  _Squirrel!"_

"Heeey! Son of a.." 

 You were glad you didn´t hear the end of the sentence, but the reason was even worse. You bumped into Sam, who was carrying the bowls and ingredients Rowena used a while back.

"I´m so sorry, I didn´t see you, I´m sorry.." you stuttered, as you were trying to help him pick up the things he dropped, thanks to you.

"It´s okay, I can handle that." 

"Here, give me one I´ll help you put these back in place." you saw his mouth opening to protest so you added "please, I´d like to."

"Thanks." he gave you a smile, and you followed him to the storage. 

You felt the awkwardness the whole time, but you were too afraid to say anything. He didn´t talk to you either. When you finally got there he showed you were to put the objects, then he walked you back to your room. 

"What a day, huh?" you asked.

"Yeah, well we still got a lot ahead us. We still don´tknow who casted the spell, or are those words really engraved into your heart. And who put that wall-"

"I´m so sorry Sam." you couldn´t help yourself when tears welled up your eyes.

"Why? I told you it wasn´t your fault, I didn´t see you coming either." 

"No, I´m not talking about the stupid bowls. I´m talking about how disrespectful I was." you took a deep breath and squeezed your hands together. You looked him straight in the eyes and continued "I was so self-absorbed, that I forgot to ask you how you´re doing. I ignored the fact that you were suffering, many many times. I got annoyed when all you were trying to do was help me. I just wasn´t being a good person, especially towards  _you._ And I have to apologize for that." 

"Hey, heey. We all have our own scars to heal. Sometimes a little selfishness is what we need to survive."

"Yes, but since I´m here with you guys, all you do is take care of me. And for that, I cannot thank you enough."

"Our pleasure, princess." he smiled.

"Oh shut up, Moose!" you laughed. "Yeah, I learned something from Crowley, and if you two are going to call me that, I promise I won´t let you go with it that easily." 

"Right, sorry" his smile was delicate and honest.

"I just hope you understand how much I mean it. All of it. Maybe I´m not showing it, Rowena´s emotionless surfice is kind of contagious, and I´m really not good with words." you stepped closer to him. "But I hope you know." You reached out your hand, and wrapped your arms around him. Your head resting on his chest.

For a minute you thught he´s gonna misunderstand it and push you away, but he hugged you back and pulled you even closer. He was too tall so you had to stand up onto your toes. 

You stood there like that for a few minutes, it didn´t bother you nor him. His hold didn´t get any less tight. But thanks to your anxiety and anti-social skills, you pulled away with a "Good night" and you got a kiss on the forehead in response. You quickly went into your room and closed the door before he could notice your blushing face.

You ran into your bathroom and took a hot shower, washed your hair and brushed your theeth. Dressed into your sweatpants and Foo Fighters shirt and went to bed. 

2 and a half hours of trying to fall asleep, but the only thing you could do is think about your past. What could it be like? How could you crack that wall in your mind? Who put that into your head? Where´s that person who´s responsible for all these things that keep happening to you? Is there anyone who could break the spell?  _Is there anyone who could love you?_   


	10. Cursed Child

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyy ya´all. Here´s the promised next chapter. And btw I wanted to ask you guys if you´d prefer shorter chapters or it´s not a problem that the latest ones are a bit longer? Anyways, I hope you like it :)   
> (There´s some quotes from the series itself, that e.g Sam originally said.)

_You´re wearing a strange red shirt with an unknown logo on it, a black cap with the same writing, and you find yourself pouring cream into a cup of coffee._

_"The usual, please!" said a male voice behind your back. You turned around to see who´s that, but you moved so quick that you dropped the cream, creating a complete mess around you._

_You looked around. You´re in a coffee shop, working as a barista. You looked back at the man, murmured your apologies while he was just smiling at you, you couldn´t care much about that at this time so you started looking for towels to clean up the mess._

_When you were done, you got back to work. It was so instinctive, you even managed to prepare the next order in a few minutes, for the customer that asked for the usual. You didn´t understand how the heck did you know what it was, but you just did._

_"You seem frustrated today." he said._

_"uhmm.. I am, a little. I´m just tired, that´s all. Didn´t sleep well last night, so maybe there´s the problem." you smiled at him, hoping he´ll stop talking to you. But he just kept on.._

_"So why don´t you just take some day off? I wouldn´t mind that."_

_"Yeah.. that would be great, I think..." you processed what he just said, and realized who he could be, so you added "thanks, boss."_

_"C´mon, darlin! Why do I have to remind you all the time that it´s just Chuck?" he laughed. "You´ve worked here for 2years now, I thought we already moved on to the next level." _

_"Right, sorry boss. I mean, Chuck!" you returned the smile and settled up on one of the bar chairs next to him. There was no one in there anymore, and he was the one offering a day off._

_"Can I ask a few questions?" you thought, if this is a dream, you can do anything and it wouldn´t matter if you make a complete fool out of yourself._

_"Sure. But only if you take tomorrow night´s shift. I know I told you to get some rest, but I also know you´ve been writing new music lately, and I´m dying to hear them!" his smile got even wider._

_"Music? Me? Writing? I don´t even know my name for God´s sake!"_

_"cough.. Is this how you´re trying to convince me of... what are you exactly trying to convince me of? You were the one who volunteered to prepare musical nights every Friday. And you know what?.. it was the best idea someone has ever told me! Our income has raised with a complete 33%! People love it! They love you!" you couldn´t believe what he said. You just couldn´t process the fact that there are people who know you.. care about you, and what you have to say._

_"I.. I need to think about it. I´m sorry, I´m just having a creative block right now.." it seemed like this made him calm down a little bit._

_"Well, I´ve been there too.. at your age especially. You need to experience new feelings, go on adventures, make mistakes and learn from them. You need to live, so you can live through your art." he held your hands. "You have a voice of an angel. Your lyrics are often deep and dark, but it´s what makes it yours. Music is therapy, and I know you´ve had some troubles and hard times.. but you got back up. You finished high school, and look at you! You´re a decent person, you help others selflessly. Now I see a grown up woman, working her ass off so she can take care of her sick mother. You´re a blessing kiddo. And I´m damn proud of you!"_

_It left you speechless hearing what he just said. Tears welled up your eyes but it couldn´t remove the grin on your face. You leaned forward to give him a big hug..._

 

WHAT WAS THAT?! 

You´re sitting on the top of your bed in the middle of the night, trying to remember what just happened. Was it a dream? Was it a memory? You didn´t know that exactly, but you were damn sure that you´ve never been so happy before. The feeling it gave you.. it was something strange, but it felt right. It felt like love, friendship, family.. it felt like home. 

 

*** 

By the morning, you decided not to tell the boys about the strange dream you´ve had. It´s better off that way, they might think you´re really crazy. Also you had other stuffs to worry about. Real ones. Like how the hell are you gonna break the spell.

The boys were sitting in the library as usual, doing researches, eating junk food. 

"How can I help?"

"Hi! Did you sleep well?" asked Sam.

"Answer my question first."

"No, we´ve already found a case. Got some ghosts in Memphis, Tennessee." answered Dean instead.

"Nice. I´ll go pack." you turned around and started walking away.

"Wai-wa-wait princess!" Dean stood up. "You what?"

"You heard me. I´m coming with ya."

"No, you aren´t!?" this time he was yelling like a hormone fighting teenager at his parents. 

"I am. Free will, remember?" you took a deep breath. "I need to get away from all of this. I need to distract my mind. I need to do something!"

"Then go to the movies! Clean up the bunker! I´ll let you clean up my room if you want to. But getting yourself killed is not what you need, believe me."

"Dean. I´m a big girl. And you´ve seen how I can handle a gun. Please! Guys.. Please." 

"Okay. I´m in." butted Sam in.

"What? You´re giving in to this? Sam, she´s not a hunter! She can´t even communicate with people. We can´t afford more trouble."

"Well, I´ve decided. And I´m coming, like it or not."

"Awesome." he flashed a final glance at Sam and left.

"Okay, that was easy." you said."Thanks, Sam. I´m not gonna hurt anyone, I promise."

"Sure." he said comfortably, but his eyes seemed worried.

 

_***_

"Can I drive?" you asked childishly.

"Ugh, kill me now." complained Dean. "You learned to drive what, like 2months ago? Sorry, not happening, honey."

"Okay, right. Then I call shotgun!"

"Nope, I´m sitting in the front seat." offended Sam.

"Whaaat? Why? Can´t have fun with you two.."

"Sorry, greenhorns get the backseat."

"That´s not fair guys.." 

"Be glad we don´t leave you here."

"Thanks for finally letting me out after 6months. That´s really... kind."

"Shut up. It was for your own safety. And for others´ too."

"I know.. sorry. Back seat here I come!"

 

*** 

You fell asleep after an hour of driving. You woke up when the car stopped.

"Morning princess. Found a motel in Fort Smith. We´re staying here for the night." you heard Dean talking, but you couldn´t open your eyes yet.

"How much did I sleep?"

"About 6hours. It´s okay, I just hope you can sleep at night too. You´ll need your strenght tomorrow. We´ve still got a 5hour ride ahead of us, but when we arrive, we´ll get straight into work" you still had your eyes closed but you could feel how close Sam was talking to you. You felt his arms wrapping around your body gently. He took you in the motel, and put you down onto one of the beds. 

"Who said she´s going with us? I thought she´s gonna stay in the motel in Memphis." snapped Dean, not so quietly.

"Just give her a chance. She´s been with us more than a half year, I think she knows enough to handle a ghost." argued Sam.

"Yes, but she´s our responsibility. If she gets hurt.. or even better, killed! then what? Did you see how Cas was treating her? There´s something going on between them, and what do you think Cas will do if he finds out that we let her come with us!? On a bloody hunt!" 

"Shh.. you´re gonna wake her up!"

"I´m already up." they turned around and saw you fresh and wild, awake. "And Dean. Ew. There´s nothing going on between me and the angel. He´s family. I mean, he saved me, more than once. He´s the only person that cares about me. At least, he was. Cause he stopped checking on me a few months ago. Maybe he found an other troubled, miserable, lost little human being, and just moved on. I don´t care anymore. I just want to live a normal life. Or at least one, where I don´t hurt people, but save them.And hunting feels right."

The boys looked at each other. Silence filled the motel room. Then Dean spoke "Look, I´m sure Cas still cares about you. He´s an angel, he´s got work to do. And maybe he cannot express himself the way we, humans can, but believe me, I´ve never seen him looking at someone like he looks at you." he stepped closer "And why do you keep saying that no one cares about you? Can´t you see what we´re doing? Isn´t it obvious that we are family too? After 7freaking months? That´s longer than most of my relationships!"

"You´re right, Dean. I´m sorry if sometimes I treat you guys like douchebags. I really appreciate all the things you´ve done for me. And as long as I live I will be thankful for that. But please, you have to trust me in this. I feel like this is the right thing to do. After so many died because of me.. I just wanna help instead."

"Okay."

"Okay? That´s it? Dean freaking Winchester gives up against a woman? Niiiice." you laughed. You were thankful, but a bit anxious. You wouldn´t want to let the boys down.

"Don´t be too excited. We can joke after we finish the job, and everyone makes it out alive."

"Copy that!" you ran over to give him a kiss on the cheeks and then headed back to the bathroom to finally take a shower. 

"Women. They´re gonna cause my downfall."

" I know man.." laughed Sam. 

 

***

 

Next day, after you packed up and drove like 5more hours, you finally arrived. You couldn´t tell if what you´re feeling was fear or recklessness, but you loved it.

"Okay, Sam and I are gonna question some people who heard the screams the other day. The paper wrote that there were all in all 16deaths in the past 4weeks. People saw flickering lights on the street in front of the old house. Maybe we´re looking for an angry house-owner, it can be a vengeful spirit.. We´ll see. The only thing we know, is that people who visit the house, die right after they enter." explained Dean.

"So if evil people die, they end up like ghosts and continue being evil?" you assumed. This was the only topic you didn´t read after. You found out everything about the other creatures from John´s diary and the books in the bunker. But when you saw the word ´spirits´ or ´salt and burn´, it just gave you goosebumps.

"Well, they weren't evil people, you know. A lot of them were good, just something happened to them. Something they couldn't control." answered Sam. "There's some part of them that... that's keeping them here. Like their remains, or unfinished business."

"Unfinished business?"

"Yeah. It could be revenge. It could be love, or hate. Whatever it is, they just hold on too tight. Can't let go. So they're trapped. Caught in the same loops. Replaying the same tragedies over and over."

"Sam´s right. And I thought you did your research. For everything." teased Dean.

"Yeaah.. well, this is the only thing I´m not self-educated of that properly.. they kind of scare the shit out of me."

"Awesome! But you chose this case to be your premier. How smart."

"Don´t be a dick, Dean. I´m gonna overcome my fear."

"Right. You can start by finding a motel for tonight. We got this with Sam."

"But.. but you.." seeing his face made you change your mind. "fine. I´ll skip the boring part, but you can´t enter that house without me. Understand?"

"Of course, princess." Dean said sweetly, than added an eyeroll and the magic died.

"Sooo. That means I can take Baby!" the smile on your face was wider than a child´s on Christmas morning.

"That´s right. Dean, give her the keys." assured Sam.

"What? why? No! Sam, how could you ask that from me?"

"She can drive, Dean. I taught her how to, and she´s not bad at all."

After fefteen minutes of arguing, he finally gave up and handed you the keys. "Not one scratch! You hear me? Or I´ll murder you myself."

"Dude, chill. I´ll be careful."

And with that, you ran to the car, opened the front door, sat in, put in the keys and started the car. You looked back and winked at the boys before you turned up the music and drove away.

 

***

 You finally found a cheap motel, parked Baby and took a 3bedded room out. You prepared dinner for the boys, then picked up John´s journal and started searching for salt and burn cases. 

When the brothers finally came back, you´ve become an "almost expert" on the topic. Dean let off some of the worst "nerd jokes", Sam gave you a proud look, then everyone ate their meal while the boys told you what happened: every death happened on a Wednesday at around 8-10PM. The victims were all young adults and they all came in small groups. The house by the way had history. In the late 80´s a merried couple lived there, who couldn´t have children. They once payed for a surrogate mother, but after she gave birth to their child, she ran away with it. After 10years of trying to sue the woman, or at least find her or the child - that´s gender was unknown, the couple gave up, and committed suicide. From that day, their spirits haunted the house, and they kill all the people who seem to be around the same age as their child should be the concrete year. 

"Okay, let´s do this."

"Right, but there´s a problem. We´ve already been there with Sam. And some people said they visited the house too. It looks like they only show up when there´s someone with that specific age." Dean sighed. "We´d need a bait, but that would be complicated." 

"So then, use me."

"What?" the brothers snapped at the same time.

"Rowena said, I can be around 25-27, or older. Soo I fit for this."

"No way. We´re not gonna risk your life at your first mission."

"Dean. This job itself is a risk. If we want to end the killing, we need to move, the sooner the better. And anyway, you guys went there without me.. that was a bitch move."

"She´s right. I´m not happy about the idea either, but we cannot hasitate anymore. And yeah, we kinda broke our promise.." you were glad Sam took your side.

"Okay.. Let´s do it. But if you sense danger, you run. Run like you´re running for your life. And you kinda will, so no individual rescue actions please." 

"Copy that. Don´t worry Dean, I´ve got my own iron poker."

"Okay." sighed Dean. "Let´s call it a night. Tomorrow we´ll put an end on this."

Dean was first to use the shower, you allowed Sam to go after him. You knew they were more exhausted than you, and the truth was, you wanted to be the last one, so you could take your time, stand under the hot water for as long as you wanted. You washed your hair, brushed your teeth and stood in front of the mirror for a while. You wanted to focus on yourself a bit. You looked at the scars on your body, and wondered how they got there. What´s their story? What´s your story?

You heard a knock on the door. "You okay?"

"Yeah.. I´m fine Sam. I´m almost done." 

You quickly washed your face, took off the towel from your head, and as you opened the door something hit your head and you almost dropped to the floor. Sam was leaning to the door and he didn´t expect you to come out this soon. He almost fell on you, but he managed to stand back straight, not like you did. He grabbed your arm and pulled you up so fast you couldn´t even process what was happening. 

"I´m sorry. I just thought something´s wrong. You´ve been there for like an hour now."

"No, it´s okay. It´s just.." you didn´t want to burden him with your problems, so you did what you always do, put on a fake smile and lie. "It´s just a lady thing."

"Hey. If you´re scared of tomorrow, you can tell me."

"You´re kind, really. But it has nothing to do with that, I promise."

"Okay, if you say so.." he finally stepped aside and let you walk out of the bathroom. "But just so you know, you can always talk to me, about anything."

"Thanks, Sam. I appreciate it. But I think I´m just gonna hit the sack now. Good night!"

"Good night."

 

***

"Okay, I´m gonna go first. When we all entered, Sam´s gonna check the living room, where we´ll set up the trap. Jane, you´re gonna be with me the whole time, okay?"

"Yes, sir. Do not leave the boss. Understood." you teased him.

"Not funny. People died here. Be respecttful." hearing that made you feel ashamed. Dean was right, you had to be more serious, even if you behaved like that because of anxiety.

"Let´s do this." said Sam, ending the fight before it got even worse.

It went just like Dean planned. You all made it into the living room, Sam made a circle out of salt and you stepped into it. Nothing happened for a good hour, so Sam and Dean decided to check the house again. You were there, left alone. The iron poker in your hand, guns with rock salt in the bag next to you. What could go wrong?

Suddenly it got really cold. The flashlight started flickering in your hand, and you knew what was coming next.

A pale man appeared in front of you, he looked old, dirty, drawn-out. He was approaching towards you when an other shape appeared. It was the woman.

"I´m not your child, I´m sorry."

"You could be. And it seems like you also don´t know who you are." said the man.

"Kill her!" screamed the woman and she rushed towards you.

You held the iron and within a single movement she was gone.

"Achhh hunters!" snapped the man.

"Sam! Dean!"

"We´re here!" shouted Sam and shot the man. "We found their graves in the backyard. Just try to get their attention, distract them. And do not leave the circle!"

"Copy! Hurry guys!"

Just as Sam ran away, the woman appeared again.

"Tell that whore mother of yours that she can go to hell! Wait.. you won´t tell her, because you´ll be dead!"

"No! Please.. Why are you doing this? Your child isn´t responsible for this! She.. he.. whoever it is, couldn´t decide where to stay, cause it was a freaking baby then!"

"You can´t understand it. You aren´t a parent!"

"So you´re killing every person who could be your child, just because some woman stole yours? It doesn´t make any sense!"

"Shut up! Our child didn´t come back! Didn´t search for us, it´s real family!"

The man showed up again. Both of them seemed really pissed. The woman screamed and all the windows broke in the room. Wind came in and swept the salt away, removing the only thing keeping the spirits away. You instinctively jumped and stabbed the woman. While you were distracted by the action, something threw you to the other side of the room and you fell onto a glass table. You heard a stange noise, as if a bone had broken in you, but you didn´t care. 

"Boys, hurry up! I can´t keep them away forever!"

Hearing that, the man rushed out of the house, targeting the hunters that were trying to burn their remains. When you thought you can relax for a second, the woman came back and you found yourself choking. Her hands were tightly gripping your neck. You were gasping for air but it only made you weaker.

When you thought it´s all over and these are your last catchings of breath, the woman flamed up right before your eyes. You dropped to the floor and fainted.

 

"Wake up princess! It´s over? Hey!"

You opened your eyes and saw Dean holding you. 

"I told you not to call me that."

"She´s in the pink."

"Nice job. You made it out alive. Congrats!" said Sam, and gave you a hand to pull you up.

"Yeah, hurray! I think there´s a piece of glass in my leg, and I´m sure I broke a rib or two. But you know what? This was AWESOME!"

"Alright now Supergirl. Gonna get you stitched together, then grab a beer." smiled Dean.

"Sounds perfect!"

You went back to the motel, Sam cleaned your wounds, Dean made dinner and you talked through the whole night. You told them what happened in the house and noted how you coped with both ghosts alone. Dean complimented on your driving skills and thanked you for not destroying Baby. 

You were so into the chat that you spilled out that you had a vision during your unconsciousness: _You were in the middle of a hunt with an older woman. You seemed a lot younger, could be a teenager. You were after a vengeful spirit that killed on of your friends - as it was revealed. You were so angry that you forgot to finish the salt line, and because of that mistake, the older hunter got really hurt._

 

"Wowowoo! Was that a vision caused by the event, or was it a memory?" asked Dean curiously.

"I don´t know.. But if it´s a memory.. that means I was a hunter.. and that I can crack this freaking wall in my head."

"Why didn´t you tell us right after it happened?" asked Sam.

"I.. I thought it was just an other strange dream..and I was hurt!"

"Right sorry.. wait, did you have other dreams like this before?"

"I don´t know, Sam. Maybe. I can´t really recall them.. all I know is that I wake up in the middle of the night, shaking, sweating, and by morning I only remember small parts of it."

"Okay.. Maybe we should stay with you in turns. Dean will be there one night, and me the other."

"No way! I don´t need babysitters! And that´s also kind of creepy.."

"Yeah, sorry. I didn´t mean it like that. But anyways, if these dreams are actually memories, then I think we should try it."

"Sam´s right. If we want to know more about your past, right now this is the only way to get it."

"Alright.. but you´re gonna sleep on the floor I guarantee that."

 

 


	11. Freak

Days and nights went by just as the boys planned out. Of course, they were always carrying hexbags - since the day you found out that it was the only thing that made it possible to communicate without any harm. One night Sam would sleep in your room, the other night Dean would watch over you. The first few nights were horrible. You couldn´t sleep because you felt observed, frustrated by the ceaseless company. You couldn´t breathe. But you got used to them being around, and you realized, since you´re not alone in the room, you could actually sleep more than 5hours. After a while, all you felt was safety. 

Sometimes you´d wake up shaking or crying. There were times when you could remember small parts of the dream, but mostly you just couldn´t talk because of a panic attack. Dean always made you hot chocolatte to try to calm you down, then lay down next to you and quietly sing you back to sleep. Sam on the other hand was a cuddling type. When he´d hear you scream or cry he´d carefully climb into the bed and talk to you, wrapping his arms around you tight. As much as you were afraid of any kind of intimate human connection, you actually were glad Sam was this affectionate. At those times you needed the comfort it gave you. The warmness of his body sorta reached the same level of reassurance as Dean´s hot chocolatte did. 

One night, it was Dean´s turn, you let him lay next to you, because you knew you´d wake up in the middle of the night and he would have to go there anyways. But this time, something was different...

_You were angry, full of rage. You felt dirty and exhausted. When you licked your lips it tasted like iron -  blood. You were in an alley standing over a scared young man._

_"Why are you doing this to me?" he cried out. "I didn´t kill my sister, stop saying that! It was an accident!"_

_"I don´t care. You should´ve been taking care of her, but instead, you were screwing your neighbour._ _while she was drowning in the tub. I wouldn´t call  that an accident!"_

_"Please! Show mercy! It was years ago.. My family punished me enough for it. I punished myself enough for it. Please.. just let me go..." he begged._

_"Aww.. sorry buddy. I can´t do that. I take care of the bad guys, and you´re one of them. But don´t worry, if the show in your head is over, you don´t have to punish yourself anymore. You´ll be in peace after your penance."_

_"No.. no please! I know I´m a horrible person.. just let me make it right."_

_"I know you will. That´s what I´m helping with, don´t you see? The world will be better off without you." you handed over a sharp knife and left him alone._

You woke up catching for air but couldn´t recognize where you were. You were scared of everything.. especially yourself. 

Dean tried to hold you down before you´d hurt yourself, but you jumped up by his touch and pulled him away, not being aware of what you´re doing. For your own surprise, Dean flew across the room hitting the wall with his head. 

"What the hell was that?" he asked while trying to get himself together.

"Oh my god! Dean I´m so sorry, I just killed a man.. like intentionally.. and when I woke up I just forgot where I was, I´m sorry..:" 

"You what?" he started walking closer but decided to take a step back instead. "And how the hell exactly did you throw me against that freakin wall?"

"I didn´t .. I .. I don´t know.. I´m sorry!"

"Sam!" he shouted.

***

You were in the library, curled up in a blanket, the boys sitting on the other side of the table. Dean couldn´t look at you since the incident. Sam on the other hand was just worried. He didn´t think you did it on purpose.

"You guys were right the whole time... I was a bad person. And God knows what am I capable of."

"Relax, maybe it was just a bad dream."

"No, Sam. It was real. I could feel the rain on my skin. I could sense the fear coming from the poor guy... Even if the things I said were true, and his sister died because of his carelessness, he didn´t deserve to die, especially like that."

"I told you she was trouble. What if her memory comes back and all the dark twisty stuff comes back within it? What if next time she won´t be so gentle throwing me across the room?" Dean asked from Sam, avoiding eye-contact with you. You couldn´t look at him either.

"Why are you behaving like this all of a sudden? We made bad choices in the past too, and people died because of them. She definitely changed. After living under the same roof for more than a half year, you still think she´s a thread to us?

"Yes, Sam. Because whatever pushed me, wasn´t _human_."

"What do you mean? That I´m some kind of a monster? A demon? You´ve tested me a hundred times!"

"I don´t know. But I´m gonna find out before you can do any more harm."

 

***

The next days were the worst ones you´ve had in a while. You tried praying to Cas but he didn´t show. The boys were trying to reach out to Rowena for help, but without any luck. You had some cases meanwhile, the boys allowed you to come with them. Dean was definitely against it, but you had to experience hunting again and again, so maybe some memories will emerge. You took down a vampire nest, had an other salt and burn case and you managed to kill your first demon - with some injuries, but you were pretty good at all of it. However, the boys, especially Dean, thought that maybe the "killer instincts" and the discovered ability for the job can be rather associated with the horrible things you were possibly doing in the past, and not the possibility that you were a hunter. They tested you for weeks again, they made you angry, hurt, they tried everything to make you show signs of supernatural skills. You even agreed for physical pain. Sometimes a glass would break or things would move in the room. Once, when you told Sam to break your arm and he refused to, you shouted at him so loud that his ears started bleeding. At this point, you were all convinced that _you´re not completly human_.

That night, you took all your strength, concentrated as much as you could and started praying to the only person who could reassure you at this time. 

"What happened?" said a voice from behind you.

"Cas!" you ran over him and hugged him as tight as you could to make sure he´s really there and you´re not just imagining him. "Where the hell were you all this time?"

"I´m sorry... I.. I got some things to take care of. I couldn´t answer your prayers, but I heard everything."

"Wh.. what?!" you let go and stepped back from him "So you knew all the crap that´s been happening here, but didn´t mind checking on us? I can´t believe this! And you call yourself an angel? You brought me here. You made me believe that you care and then left me without any explanation. And when you finally show up, you tell me you heard everything but didn´t come to help?!"

"Just calm down, I can explain." he stepped closer but you backed away.

"So what was more important than your promise to me, tell me."

"I can´t. At least, not yet."

"Unbelieveble." you sighed and turned your back at him.

"I´m gonna tell you as soon as I can. I swear."

"Hate to break it to ya, but I stopped accepting empty promises." 

He didn´t answer. You felt his sadness and knew that as an angel, he had responsibilites. Not just you, but the whole world. All you wanted was to bury your face in his chest and cry till you fall asleep, but you couldn´t. You were too mad. Not at him, but yourself. 

"It´s gonna be okay. I pro..." he stopped there, and instead of finishing the unwished word, he gave a kiss on your forehead and dissapeared.

 

***

You were making breakfast, Sam was reading a MOL book when Dean came into the room. "Alright, c´mon. We´ve got a case." 

"Details?"

"Some demons turned up not so far away. We should check em out."

"Agree. You comin?" Sam turned to you.

"If I am allowed to." 

After exchanged glances the brothers decided that you could go with them.

The road took less than 3hours, but thanks to the awkward silence, it felt like eternity. The silence only broke once when Sam was trying to initiate a conversation. But as it turned out "I found nothing about cursed people having supernatural powers or as side effects, so this has nothing to do with it" wasn´t a great topic to start one. So you felt relieved when Dean finally parked Baby near an abandoned factory.

"Okay, I´m going first. I´ll give you the sign when I checked the place out."

"Be careful Dean." you said, not realizing how much he hates you right now.

There were two demons at the front door, you and Sam took them down like they were nothing. You didn´t care how you learned to fight like this, it made you feel badass and it was the kind of escape you needed right now.

You finally entered the building and found Dean knocked down on the floor, 4demons standing above him. When they saw you, one of them went straight after Sam and the other three targeted you.

"Which Winchester´s bitch are you?" laughed one of them.

"I´m not anybody´s bitch, you bitch." you only realized how lame it sounded after you´ve said it.

"There´s something about you that makes me.." he shook his body imitating that he was shivering "Maybe I´ll keep ya after we killed your boyfriends."

"I don´t think so." you moved quick and took down the demon that looked the most wretched then headed towards the woman. She grabbed your arms and kicked into your left shin. You screamed in pain but kept fighting. The demon that was teasing you before just stood there watching the action. It sure as hell made you mad and the anger helped you get back up and kill the woman with a single stab in her chest.

"Show time sweetheart." his smile was the most disgusting thing you´ve ever seen.

Meanwhile you were trying to defend yourself Dean stood up and killed 2other demons, and Sam successfully finished 4of them. You managed to run near the boys for some backup, but when you reached them, over twenty other demons showed up. 

"Now what?" you asked.

"Distract them. I´ll go get some demon bombs out of the car."

"No Sam, that´s complete suicide!" shouted Dean. "We´ll stick together, that´s the plan. We can handle them."

"Okay.. but if things get messy, I´ll give you the sign and plan B continues."

With the angel sword in your hand you moved in the direction of the demon you were fighting before. It took you less than 2minutes to stab him and continued to slay until more and more demons came up.

"What the hell?" 

"Run!" screamed Dean desperately. 5 of them got onto Sam and it looked like he was loosing.

After realizing you couldn´t move, Dean stood up next to you thinking, trying to come up with a plan but all he did was grab your hand. 

_White light. Buzzing. Smoke._

When you opened your eyes all the demons exploded within their vessels.

 

***

 

When you arrived to the bunker, Cass was waiting there for you, but you were too deeply in your thoughts after what happened that you didn´t even notice him at first.

„What the hell was that?!“ Dean yelled at you the minute you all stepped in the hall.

„I..I don´t know. I really don´t. It all happened so fast..“ you couldn´t even explain it to yourself. But you felt that it all had to do with you. „I remember the demon coming at me and you were standing next to me screaming something..“

„Yeah. I screamed RUN you idiot! I don´t know what you did there but you could´ve killed us both!“ he hadn´t stop yelling.

Ignoring everything he just said, you opened your mouth to speak but only whispering came out „You held my hand..“

Sam and Cas both looked at you then Dean, then you again. You were staring at your hands the whole time.

„And you saved my life. I didn´t even thanked for that.“ You stood up, went straight to Dean and before he could realize what was going on, you wrapped your hands around him for a hug and gave him a kiss on the cheeks.

You held him for one more second but he pulled away from you and looked at you with a _what the hell_ look.

„I didn´t do that.. I.. I mean how could I?" His voice seemed to calm down a bit.

"I thought that was you or that demon bomb thing.“ 

Everyone looked confused, excapt from Cas.

„So that´s what they meant by _the act of true love_. Interesting“ said Cas as he raised his hand to his face – which was his „thinking hard“ position.

„What? NO!“ Dean yelled again. „I´m not in love with her! Are you kidding me? She´s a freak! God knows what is she, and you´re telling me I love her without even knowing I do so? Bullshit.“ You could see the anger filling his face as he was shouting.

 _She´s a freak_ was all that you could hear from what he said. Repeating in your head, over and over again. Tears welled up your eyes and it didn´t take a minute for you to run out of that place.

_You´re a freak. How could you think anyone would love you? How could you think Dean Winchester would want to save your life? How could you think you´ll have a normal life? How could you think you were someone worth fighting for?_

And a panic attack hit you as hard as never before.

The brothers were still fighting, Cas was still thinking and no one noticed that you snuck out.

„You can´t treat people like that, Dean!“ justified Sam. „She didn´t choose this just like WE didn´t choose this life! And guess what! People are dying around us too! We´re no different. And by the way, I thought after all these months you got to know her she grew on you. You treated her like family. No supernatural power can change that. “

Dean felt the guilt come to the surface as he was listening to Sam, when Cas turned around „Where´s she?!“

They searched the whole house calling your name, but nothing.

„I think she´s gone.“ Said Sam.

„You think so? Genious.“  Growled Dean.

„I mean gone gone. You think it was a good idea to tell a person who struggles with depression and feels like everything is her fault - that she´s a freak?“ Sam stopped and remembered his brother used to call him that too. When he drank demon blood and got addicted. It still hurt him knowing that his own brother used to look at him the way he was looking at you now. „I´m gonna find her and bring her back.“

„Wait!“ Cas interrupted. „I think Dean should be the one doing that. He caused this. Now make it right!“

Dean looked unhappy about the idea, but he nodded and walked out of the door.

„I could´ve handled that.“

„No, Sam. It´s Dean´s job. Maybe he will realize what he really feels towards her, and we can end this for good.“ Cas sounded determined and he didn´t even mind looking at Sam.

„You still want to get them together? Cass,for God´s sake! Things don´t work like that. You can´t just play matchmaker with whomever you want! Just.. let things happen the way they´re meant to be.“ He sounded tired, miserable.. and jealous.

 

***

Dean finally found you after an hour of driving at the edge of the road. It was raining outside and you were all wet when he got there.  He stopped the car and got out in a hurry. He managed to wrap his jacket around your shoulders. he stepped back to open the door for you, turned around and saw you collapsing onto the ground. The next thing you knew is that you´re lying in the car, Dean´s huge jacket placed carefully on your body as a blanket, and Dean staring at you with a suddenly worried face.

„Hey. Feelin´better princess?“ he asked.

„A little. I´m sorry I ran away. I just.. You really hurt me with those words. Not with that - you don´t love me- thing, because I get that. But the „freak“ part.. that hit me real hard...“ you had to stop to wipe away a tear but you continued on „so I´ll promise you, I´m gonna get out of your lives as soon as this is over. But for now, I really need your help. You don´t have to talk to me anymore, you don ´t have to look at me, or hold my hand..“ you let out a little laugh and Dean seemed to put on a smile too for that one „but I´m not okay, and what´s happaning around me is even worse than that. I learnt how to manage my own pain, but causing it to others – is a whole new level of torture. Even tho I can´t control that, I can´t fix that.  I think that´s the reason why I happen to be here. But after months, we still got nothing.“

Dean looked confused, but said nothing the whole time. He was listening, like really listening. The first time ever since you met him.. well the second time. It was just like the one conversation you had with him after you saved Sam from the deathly visions. You were grateful for that, so you just went on.

„I think, that´s why i tried to kill myself. I think, that´s what I thought was the solution. And maybe it could have been. I just failed. As always, with everything. And you know what. I get that now too. Maybe that´s what I really am. A freak. A monster.“ You swallowed the tears that you felt were coming like a flood. But you couldn´t afford one more break down. Not before Dean at least.

You looked up, put on a fake smile as you usually did, and leaned back at the front seat waiting for Dean to start the car. But he didn´t. You could feel his eyes on you. You didn´t look back, not until he started talking. And it was like it wasn´t even him talking. His voice was shaky but much softer than before.. it was full of guilt and pain.

„I´m so sorry. I didn´t pay attention to you, your story, your soul. At first I thought you were just some crazy woman whit a shitty past, you were kinda sympathetic.“ You both laughed „And then, when i first saw you I was like „daamn she´s hot“!“

„Oh don´t sugarcoat it!“ you smiled and put a hand to cover your face but you were both clearly blushing.

„No, I really mean it. But then all the strange stuff kept coming, and I thought about you like an object or .. or a mission. I didn´t see the human. You were just an annoying case to me.“ He sighed as he´s just realizing how much time he wasted. That in that time he could have just get to know you better before he judged you. „Yes, we had great times too, but we never really interacted with each other. But I see it now. Well, the annyoing part is true tho.“ You pushed him playfully in the shoulder. „but you´re like a little sister to me that I never had. And you know.. what you just told me.. it brakes my heart.“ He reached out to hold your hands. You let him do it. „No one ever deserves to feel the way you feel. And you shouldn´t blame yourself for something you didn´t do, because it may seem that it´s you that´s sending people to death, but you´re not the one pulling the strings. I promise you, we´ll find that witch bitch and I myself will kill it! But you gotta promise me to never, ever hurt yourself again! And that little mojo of yours.. maybe it can even be useful. That demon bomb thing was awesome.“

You were shocked, so you just nodded. For the first time in a while, you felt that warmness in your stomack. There is someone who really does care about you. In his own stubborn way. But he really truly does care. And that was everything you needed right now.

You sat there for a few more minutes, then Dean told you how Sam and Cas were so concerned  about you, and that they´d almost start World War III with him because of how he treated you – and that made that warmness come back again - so you decided to turn back to the bunker.

 

****

 

„Okay, so we just have to find someone who´ll fall in love with you. It´s easy as that...“ said Dean with a not so hopeful undertone.

„Yeah, right! Cause who wouldn´t love themselves a crazy girl who´ll pop up in their dreams and make them murder themselves just after she tortures them mentally! Sounds like fun to me!“ and sarcasm has just burnt your tongue. "Oh and don´t forget that I can throw people and light up demons now."

Silence landed on the room and you could cut the tension with a knife in there.  
Sam finally spoke.

„I´ll try it.“ His voice was low and determined.

You looked at him and burst out laughing. It was a weak, phatetic one. So you took a deep breath and put on your serious face.

„You´re kidding me, right? I mean, I know how your love life came and went before, you told me all of it. But please. Ever since I´m with you two, you never saw me as a woman. You never looked at me like that. You never touched me with intentions. I am a case to you.“ Dean caughed and tried to interrupt but you shook him off. „Okay then, I am like a sister to you. Doesn´t make any difference. Look, you just have to accept that I´m a lost case. I can´t just smuggle hexbags into everybody´s bags that I meet.  I could never be with someone. Not until I´m under this curse. And that´s the whole point of it. It´s a never ending circle. And I finally came to understand.. and accept that.“ You let out a long breath and felt.. relieved. All these years of suffering, and you just gotta admit it to yourself. It won´t get better, but you can do something to not let it get any worse. And now here comes Sam with his crap trying to ruin all of your sudden peace.

„I like you,  Jane. I really do. And I´m sorry that you think you are just an unsolved mystery to me. You´re a lot more than that. You just happen to shut it all out and pretend we don´t care about you. Because that´s what you do. You lock us out, you hurt in silence, you cry with the door closed, you push me away when I try to help or just talk to you. And you think  that we would just let you go. Well, sorry to break it to ya princess, but we do care! And it actually really bothers me that you just can´t appreciate what we´ve done for you.“ He held up his hands in defense as he saw the angry you, opening your mouth to speak but he continued on. „I´m not saying we regretted it. Because we didn´t. You grew close to us, we´re family now, believe it or not. But if you don´t want to be around us, or we annoy you or i don´t know.. then tell it to my face. Because as much as I know, we´ve never let you down, and we would give anything to save you!“

„You´re done?“is all that left you mouth. He stood there, shaking from confusion, anxiety and helplessness. It must´ve taken a lot of courage for him to speak up about his feelings, but you just turned your back to them and ran into your room slamming the door shut.

 

***

 

The next few days you didn´t come out of your room. Dean would leave food before your door 4times a day +a newspaper every morning. He didn´t bother talking to you, because he knew you needed time to process all of what happened. You heard footsteps every single night in the hallway. It was Sam. He was considering wether to go into your room or not. Every single night. He never did. He didn´t have the courage anymore. Not after you destroyed it.

This went on almost for a week, when one night Cass popped up in your room.

„I think I found him. I think I found the witch.“ He said, as he couldn´t even believe himself.

You said nothing, but ran over him and wrapped your arms around his neck so tight he needed to take deep breaths if he didn´t want to choke. He put his arms around you too when suddenly his chest felt wet from your tears.

„I can´t.. I can´t believe it..“ your heart almost dropped out of your chest from the excitement. A wide smile spread across your face „Thank you so much Cass! I would´ve never made it without you! I love you! And I´m so sorry for treating you like that. I was a bitch lately, I´m sorry.“ You gave him a kiss on his cheek then started your „victory dance“ around your room. A moment later your doors were shut wide open and the Winchester brothers stormed in fully armed. They put the guns down right when they saw Cass standing there watching you as while dancing you accidentaly hit the chair by the surprise and fell to the ground.

„What the hell guys? We thought something happened to you! We heard a scream.“ Yepp that was you.. but it was a happy scream. Not that they would know.. after all, you were in your room all week not willing to talk to them.

Cass explained how he travelled to other countries and continents to collect information. He told you all the things he heard and you just realized how long it could´ve taken him to find the witch, meanwhile all you did was whine about your problems. So this was the secret he couldn´t tell you back then. This was the thing he promised to tell you after he was a 100percent sure about it. You felt shame and gratitude combined inside you.

You could finally see light at the end of the tunnel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Having exams next week and phoography practice exam.. so i won´t be posting for 2more weeks from now. Anyways, the plot is finally getting ahead. Hope you like this one :) It contains parts that I have written months ago when I got the inspiration about the whole storyline.  
> Question: who would you like to see our heroine ending up with?  
> (I already know who, but if there will be other answers, I may consider rewriting the following story)


	12. The past hurts more than the present

You were heading to New York but stopped in New Haven to solve a case. You skipped this one cause you were too nervous of tomorrow´s big reveal. The witch Cass found lives in Brooklyn as it turned out.

_Tomorrow´s gonna be a big day._

You were alone in the motel, it was getting late and the boys were still out on the hunt, so you decided to take a shower instead of waiting for them while you die of boredom.

Feeling the hot water on your skin made you relax for a while but you couldn´t stand under the water forever. With a towel wrapped around your body you stepped out of the bathroom.

"Whoawoawhoa! Guys!" you found the brothers sitting on the edge of their beds blushing while they couldn´t look away from you.

"So..sor..sorry. Didn´t you hear us come back?" asked Dean stuttering.

"No. I was taking a shower I didn´t hear anything. God! Just don´t look at me like that!"

You turned your back to them picked up your chlothes and headed back to the bathroom when you felt a warm hand on your back. You stopped, felt shivers running all over your body and let the hand smoothe your hair away from your back to your shoulder. You looked back and saw Sam staring at one spot under your neck between your scapulas.

"What are you.."

"You have an anti possession tatto on your back that you forgot to tell us about."

"I .. what?"

Dean came over to have a closer look too with the same surprised expression.

"I have a tattoo on my back too?"

"Oh so now you have more?" asked Dean. "Gosh just don´t tell me it´s a drunk tattoo down there." he laughed but stopped when you hit him in the shoulder.

"I.. I never checked for others. I have one on my ribs, but I can´t read it. It must be written in an ancient language or I don´t know, couldn´t google it."

"Right, so why didn´t you ask us?"

"I can´t even look into the mirror, why would I want to show my naked body to you guys?"

"Oh God, women." and with that, Dean earned his second hit that night. "Ouch!"

"What does it look like?"

"It´s a pentagram. Here, we each have one too." Sam pulled down the neck of his shirt revealing his tattoo on his chest. Dean did the same.

You stepped closer and touched Sam´s ink softly.

"So this keeps the demons away. But why is it on me?"

"Maybe you really were a hunter." Sam answered quietly. You didn´t know why he was whispering until you realized how close you were standing. He could feel your breath on his skin, your fingers sliding through his ink. You stepped back quickly, before it could get any more awkward.

"I´m gonna put on some clothes and go to sleep. We can get back to this after we finished that witch."

The boys shared a look and you were gone, they could only hear the door closing.

 

*** 

 

"Okay, now. This is a life-changing moment for you, and I don´t want your emotions and anger to take over.. We cannot allow another failure."

"I know, Cass. I´ll try to control myself. But I can´t promise anything."

"Thank you. After all, your whole life depends on it."

"Thanks for reminding me.."

"You´re welcome." said Cass, not noticing your sarcasm.

You were in Brooklyn, standing next to Baby, waiting for Dean´s "everything´s okay" sign.

You turned back to Cass "Are you sure he´s the one?"

"No matter how many times you ask me this question, my answer will always be YES." he sighed. "He´s the only one left of a powerful coven, everybody thought he was dead for like 50 years now, but witches all over the world sensed signs of his power around 26years ago. If they could feel the energy of one horrible spell, it could be your curse. The time fits, the country fits. Seems like he retired after he casted the spell. It must´ve taken all his powers to make it."

"Awesome. Then how is he going to break it?"

"Jane. We don´t know for sure. But we´re here, we´ve got a lead. We´re standing in front of his house. Isn´t this what you were waiting for all this time? And don´t worry, there are people out here on the street, if he has some mojo left, he cannot do any harm. And we´re here too." Sam was trying to comfort you, but after your fight nothing was the same again. You couldn´t go talk to him about his day, about a case, about anything. You couldn´t ask him to stay with you for the night, cause you thought he´d feel like you were just using him. He was trying so hard, but you just couldn´t let him closer. And last night didn´t help with that either.

"I know, Sam. I.. I´m just scared of memories. I´m scared of him. I´m scared of myself... And what if nothing will change? Or what if it all just gets worse?"

Before anyone could answer, Dean arrived waving "He´s home. Let´s go." 

"I´m gonna put an end to this for good."

 

You rang the bell and waited for someone to open the door. It felt like eternity but in reality, it was less than a minute.

A tired looking man - could be around 50years old - answered "How can a help you?" he had a brittish accent and a rusky voice.

"Can we talk to you sir? We´re looking for someone named Magnus."

"He.. he died a long time ago.. there´s no one else living with that name." his voice was shaking, he was definitely afraid.

"Sir. We´re sure he´s living here. Only a few questions." you put on a smile, but when he looked in your eyes he dropped the cup he was holding and closed the door immediately. At least he was trying to. You held back the door and pushed it as hard as you could. Finally it opened and just in time you all ran into the house and Dean catched the man before he could run away.

"Now, let´s have a chat."

 

***

 

You were all sitting in the living room, the man tied up to a chair. Your angel blade lying next to you. 

"This was too easy. I don´t get it. I came here to kill you, why aren´t you fighting?" 

You were full of anger, anxiety and dissapointment. You were seeking revenge and you just couldn´t get it.

"I´m sorry.. I´m so sorry.. I really am.. about your mother.. everything.. " he cried.

"What the hell are you talking about? Did you know my mother? Did you even know me?"

"Of course I did. I was just so angry.. I .. I didn´t mean to hurt you." he was trying to stop the crying but he couldn´t.

"What am I supposed to do with your sorry? I want my life! I want my memories back! I want my family back!" at this point you were crying too.

Cass came closer and put his hand on your shoulder to comfort you.

"How come you don´t remember it?" he asked looking honestly surprised.

"Because you did something to me, remember?!"

"No.. I .. I only.." he stopped there.

"Tell me everything you know." you stood up and grabbed your blade. "Or I´ll kill you."

"Okay okay.. I´ll tell you everything. But you have to promise, not to hurt me until I finish it."

You sat back in front of him, not putting the weapon down. "I´m listening"

"Your mom, Shelley and I were dating back in highschool.."

"You what?!" you just couldn´t believe that someone who loved your mother could do something like this to her daughter.

_So your mothers´ name´s Shelley. What a beautful name._

"Just let me tell you everything. Then you can ask whatever you want." you nodded, so he continued. "She was a hunter, I was a witch. We were both outsiders, didn´t really have friends. God.. I was so in love with her.. But then he came.. and ruined everything!"

"Who? Who came?"

"Balthazar, the angel." he said sounding disgusted.

"Who is that?"

"Balthazar is an angel of Heaven, just like me. He fought alongside Uriel and me. We thought that he had died in the battle. He faked his death to hide his departure from Heaven. But we met some years ago, he helped us.. he saved a lot of people." said Cass. There was something in his voice.. sadness, regret. The brothers looked at him with concern, but you couldn´t deal with that, not right now.

"He took my Shelley away from me! She broke up with me and left with that son of a bitch! I would´ve treated her better! She wouldn´t have to hide if she stayed with me... oh my Shelley.. my beautiful Shelley.."

"Go on! What happened?"

"Shelley got pregnant."

"With.. with me?"

"Wait.. that´s not possible. That would mean you´re a nephilim. We didn´t sense that. Balthazar must´ve hide you from Heaven." doubt Cass.

"Wha-what?! So now I´m an angel? what the hell?!"

"Not hell, the other one."

"Cass! Not a good time to joke around!"

"That explains why you could throw people across the room, or kill those demons." said Dean.

"She´s a nephilim. Yes. With the blood of a demon." the man said.

"Excuse me?" you jumped. You looked at the boys for some backup but they were as surprised as you.

"A demon possessed your mother during the .. interaction.. Balthazar must´ve not noticed."

You felt a panic attack coming so you rushed out to the kitchen leaving the men behind.

_You´re evil, you always knew it and now here it is. The answer you were waiting for. Demonic powers circulating in your blood. You´re capable of murder. You hurt people and it´s not gonna end. You were born like this, you can never get this out of yourself._

You dropped to the floor. Black numbness.

You heard a voice coming from far away "Breathe! Heeey hey just breathe!" 

Arms wrapping around you.

"It´s okay, just calm down. It´s gonna be okay."

You opened your eyes and saw Sam´s greenish brown eyes in front of you.

"Sam.."

"I´m here." 

You buried your face in his chest and deeply breathed in his scent. You were trying to focus on his heart but it was also beating fast. Then you focused on his breathing, trying to get the same rythm. The air he exhaled was the air you inhaled. After 10minutes you decided to go back and listen to the rest of the story. There was so much to take in,so much pain and joy too, and it only made you hungrier with every single chapter.

"When I finally found your mom, she was already 9months pregnant. You could pop out in any minute. When I saw her.. I got so angry.. A nephilim is just a bastard, a forbidden creation. Angels and humans should never ... Shelley should´ve stayed with me. She shoul´ve had MY baby!"

"What did you do..?" asked Castiel incredulously.

"I created a spell no one has ever done before. I knew she was going to be half angel. So I made a spell that will prevent another human-angel relationship. I cursed you to be unable to have contacts with humans. Your mother begged me not to. She told me she´d even come back to me if I didn´t. But instead, I gave you 21years. 21years to live amongst humans. And then.. you weren´t able to talk to people, look at them, touch them. I cursed you so you can never create a monster like yourself!"

"Enough!" Sam shouted .

"No. I wanna hear the rest of it." you felt so many things at once that you couldn´t process, so it just left you empty.

"Balthazar tried to break the spell. He tried to find me, but I was hiding even before God himself. He died before the spell activated. And your mom... Oh dear Shelley.. She was looking for me. She wanted me to break it. But I couldn´t. I lost my powers.. I couldn´t do anything! Believe me! I regretted it a thousand times.. I still can´t sleep at night. I´m so sorry." he started crying again.

"What about my mom? Where´s she now?" you asked with a neutral voice, already sensing the answer.

"She didn´t know how to stop it.. she was trying to find a way so she can still communicate with you. But she found nothing, and it didn´t scare her away, she didn´t give up. She wanted her daughter. She wanted to talk to you, look at you. She wanted to braid your hair kiss you goodnight. She just wanted to be your mother. She didn´t care about the concequences. She was bearing it for almost a year, but she ended up in hospital. She died on your 22nd birthday. I´m so sorry..."

You just sat there, traumatized.

"I killed my mom." was all that left your mouth.

You stood up, and walked out of the house. You didn´t care about the man anymore. You didn´t care about ever having a relationship. You didn´t care about your future anymore. All that mattered was your past and what you did.. what you were.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaaay finally wrote the big reveal!!! I got this idea half a year ago and I can´t believe it took me 6months to get there :D whoaaa hope you guys like it :)) I´m really looking forward where it´ll get, it´s all on my imagination now (as it also was before, but then I at least knew where it was going) Also this chapter ended up kind up short, but it´s 10pm and I have to wake up at 5am to school so maybe I´ll add another one tomorrow. Enjoy


	13. I can´t lose you

"A fucking demon flavoured nephilim. That´s what I am."

After hours of driving back home from Brooklyn without anyone speaking up about the event, you finally broke the silence. 

"Cass.. does that mean you have to kill me? How did you not sense what I am? How did Crowley not sense what I am?" you had so many questions in your head, you wanted answers but you also didn´t. You wanted to know about your family, your friends, your childhood, your lovers, your enemies. But you didn´t want to know how wrong you were, what bad things you did, or how did your parents die. You didn´t want to think about your mom and the fact that she took her life because you were in her head saying horrible things and making her suffer, when all she wanted was to not lose contact with you.

"I won´t kill you! Don´t even question that! I´m still gonna protect you.. and I´m still going to help you break that wall in your mind. I once helped Sam with it, I can do that for you too, if that´s what you want." Cass said with deep sadness in his voice.

"What? So you can break it? WHY THE HELL HAVEN´T YOU DONE IT YET? You only told me Sam was scratching the wall till he remembered everything, there was nothing about the little help of yours. It´s been a year since you got me out of that hospital and I can´t believe you didn´t tell me that you could actually heal me, fix my memory." your anger was growing bigger and bigger.

"Well. I wouldn´t call it healing. I was just afraid.. You were too fragile. I thought you wouldn´t end up well. But you´re stronger now, and knowing that you carry the power of an angel, at least some of it, breaking the wall will be less painful."

"And believe me, it hurts like a son of a bitch. I ended up in a mental hospital after it.. Getting those memories back won´t be joyful. And considering that your whole life is behind that wall, the amount of information that´ll come to you will be like being in the center of a tornado.." said Sam turning to you, eyes full of concern. 

"Do it."

"You mean now?" asked the shocked angel next to you.

"Yep. The sooner the better."

Sam turned to you with the same expression Cass had "Are you sure about this? I mean it´s your choice.. but can´t we wait till we get home at least?" 

"Actually.. you´re right. We don´t know what it would bring out of me. So let´s find a bar, get drunk, then we can go home and pink floyd the fuck out of that wall."

No one said anything for a minute. Than the one, who you least expected, Dean spoke: "I´m in. Let´s go guys." 

 

***

You found a bar like 3 miles away from the bunker. The boys waited till you put on your jumper, covered your face with the hoodie and sunglasses and you entered the pub. It wasn´t so big, but it had a nice atmosphere with some indie vibes.

"Niice." you said.

While you were looking for a table Dean went to the bar to ask the bartender if they had any food. He came back with 4 beers and a pack of chips. He seemed angry and hurt.

"What? She didn´t give you her number, didn´t she?" you teased him.

"Shut up. They don´t even have real meal in here."

"It´s a pub, Dean. What were you expecting?" you rolled your eyes.

"Well, at least we can do karaoke. And I think I saw a guitar back there." Joked Sam.

"I´d need a lot of drinks to go there and sing." laughed Dean.

"Why? You´ve got such a beautiful voice!" you encouraged him.

"Does he?" asked Cass with a confused look and Dean pushed him in the shoulder. "Okay okay. Let´s hear it then." 

"No Cass. She´s lying, I don´t sing." 

"Well that´s not how I remember. How many times did you sing me to sleep? How many times did you sing when you were showing me your vinyls?"

"Shut uuup! Why you´re doing this to me?" he laughed.

"Oh c´mon Dean! I heard you singin too and you truly don´t sound that bad." added Sam.

"Aw thanks Sammy, what a compliment!"

This was the first time you ever saw Dean Winchester being shy. After a couple more beers, he finally got the courage to stand up, grab that guitar and play some tunes.

He was playing an acoustic version of Sweet Home Alabama. His voice melted your heart, and it seemed like Sam and Cass and all the other people in the bar enjoyed it. Some chicks even threw some cash at him. He played the guitar really well, so professional, you wondered where did he learn all of this. Like when does a hunter got any time for hobbies? 

He finished the song with a guitar solo and a beautiful "huuu" run. He put the instrument down and walked by the hungry women. Got some napkins with phone or motel room numbers on it, and then sat back to your table. 

"Okay, your turn." he said to your little group.

"I know there are rumors that angels can sing, but believe me that´s bullshit." Cass tried to save the situation. 

"Right, I cannot sing either. Sorry bro, you got the talent I got the look. We´re even." joked Sam.

"Heeey. Who said you were the prettier one?" Dean took offense.

"Calm down girls. You can both be the pretty ones." you laughed while the boys seemed to take it really seriously.

"Alright princess. It means you draw the short straw." Dean smiled.

"Nooo, why me?"

"I heard you humbling too. Wasn´t that bad."

"Haha. In fact.. I once had a dream where I worked at a coffee shop, and my boss Chuck said I´m a musician and wanted me to play my new stuff that night and..."

"Did you say Chuck?" Dean interrupted.

"Yeah, why? I don´t know his last name.. but I´m not even sure this was a memory."

"If it´s true, and it was _that Chuck,_ it means you know.."

"Cass!" Sam butted in.

"It means I knew whom exactly?" you asked totally confused.

"The writer. Ehmm.. we know a writer that owns a coffee shop. Maybe we can find him and ask about you." Said Sam in a hurry. It sounded weird and suspicious, but you´ve had enough drinks that you didn´t care.

"Okay then. But if I get my memories back tomorrow, maybe we won´t even need him."

"Right, so now you can get up on that stage and play something." nodded Dean.

"I don´t want to risk people´s lives here.."

"It´s okay. They can´t see your face, you won´t be touching them.. They only gonna hear you. You´ve done that before, and nothing bad happened. Now go and impress us!" said Dean and softly pushed you out of the chair.

While you were walking away and the boys were sure you were out of hearing distance, they started to freak out on Cass and why did he want to scare you with the fact that you might know God himself.. At least this wasn´t the right time..

You sat down to the chair on the little stage, grabbed the guitar and prayed to God you won´t screw it up. You felt the nervousness rushing through your whole body. You made sure your sunglasses and hoodie covered your face, you cleared your throat and started the song that came up first in your mind. Creep by Radiohead.

 

  
_When you were here before_  
_Couldn't look you in the eye_  
_You're just like an angel_  
_Your skin makes me cry_

 

You played the strings so naturally, it was instinctive. You surprised yourself by how good you could play. You kept your eyes closed to deepen into the music, so you didn´t notice people´s reactions. But they didn´t throw anything at you, that meant you weren´t that bad so you continued.

 

  
_You float like a feather_  
_In a beautiful world_  
_And I wish I was special_  
_You're so fuckin' special_

 

While singing the song, playing the chords, you remembered tiny moments from your childhood. Like when your mom would make you pencakes, and you wanted to help her, but you´d always burn your fingers and cry, so your mom let you decorate the pencakes instead.

 

_But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo._

_What the hell am I doing here?_  
_I don't belong here._

_I don't care if it hurts_  
_I want to have control_  
_I want a perfect body_  
_I want a perfect soul_

 

Now you´re a teenager and you´re sitting in your bedroom studying,listening to music, preparing for graduation. You hear the front door open and someone screams. "Mom! Mom what happened?" you run down the stairs and see her collapsing on the gound crying. "What´s wrong? Mom!" you hold her tight, help her calm down so she can tell you why she´s crying.

 

 _I want you to notice_  
_When I'm not around_  
_You're so fuckin' special_  
_I wish I was special_

 _But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo._  
_What the hell am I doing here?_  
_I don't belong here._

 

 _"_ You father..." she says, trying to catch her breath. "Your father´s dead."

 

 _She's running out again,_  
_She's running out_  
_She's run run run run_

 _Whatever makes you happy_  
_Whatever you want_  
_You're so fuckin' special_  
_I wish I was special_

 

You´re frozen. You´re sad. You´re angry. You´re mad.  But you gotta stay strong for your mother. You gotta take care of her now.

 

 _But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo,_  
_What the hell am I doing here?_  
_I don't belong here._  
I don't belong here.

 

With the last chord you finished the song, opened your eyes and saw the clapping people through the glasses, how happy they were, how surprised they were. You felt sick so you put the instrument down and ran out of the bar to breathe some air. You weren´t drunk, that´s not why you felt stomach acid coming up your throat. You were drawn back to the worst memory you could imagine. How broken your mother seemed.

You found Baby and leaned back to it´s trunk.

"You okay?"

You felt a hand slip under your jacket smoothing your back. It was Sam.

"Yeah.. I.. I´m fine.. I think." you looked up at him. "I just.. I remembered something."

"Was it a bad one?"

"Yeeah. At first, I remembered some stuff from when I was a kid.. and then.. I was 18 and my mom came home with the news of my father´s death."

"I´m sorry.. that must´ve been disturbing."

"Yeah.. um.. I´m sorry I ruined the party."

"You kidding me?" he smiled. "That was the most beautiful version of this song I´ve ever heard. And how did you know you can play like that?"

"I just kinda felt it.. I think."

"Well, you must´ve been a well know artist... I mean, with that voice of yours.."

"Oh c´mon! It wasn´t even that good." you laughed.

"Yes, it was!" he looked at you the way no one else did. Only his eyes could spark like that when they spotted you. 

As you were leaning onto the trunk, he stepped up right in front of you, so close your legs were touching. He smoothed away a strand of hair from your face back to your ear. 

"Did you think about it?"

"About what, Sam?"

"Us." his voice was so quiet the word he said disappeared in a second.

"Sam.." you felt a lump in your throat that didn´t let you tell him what you wanted.

He kissed the top of your head and then let your foreheads touch. His right hand held your chin while his left hand was resting on your waist. You felt his breath on your face and it made you shiver from head to toe. 

"Just think about it. Please."

Before you could say anything he stepped away quickly when you heard the bar´s door shut. Dean and Cass walked over to you and Baby.

"I´m proud of ya princess!" said Dean and gave you a reassuring hug. "That was amazing."

"I liked it too. You could´ve chosen a less depressing song, but it was great."

"Thanks Cass, I really appreciate it." you smiled. "Now..let´s go home. I´ve gotta rest so tomorrow I´ll be able to make it out alive."

 

The way home seemed long enough to overthink all the stuff that happened that day. One thing bothered you the most. The evil in you. The demon in your blood. The horrible things you´ve probably done because of that. You cannot get away with murder. You cannot blame it on others. It´s you that made those choices. 

When you arrived to the bunker, everyone was tired, but you just couldn´t keep it to yourself anymore.

"Is there a way to destroy the demon in me?" the sudden question surprised them.

"It´s the middle of the night.. can´t we just talk about this tomorrow?" asked Dean sounding truly exhausted.

"No, Dean. I want answers. I don´t know if I could be able to live with this."

"Well, you already have. You were able to live with it for like 28years now." answered Sam.

"Is there any way?!" you snapped at them.

"There might be. But we don´t know how would you react.. in your case, everything is different."

"Awesome!"

"Heheey! Don´t be mad at us for trying to help you." Dean fought back.

"Help me? Really? Cause I´m not sure that´s what you´re doing now."

"I´ve been a demon once. Sam had demonic powers once. We were all in your place once. We know how it feels! Hell it was much worse than it´s with you!"

"Oh really? Why do you think it´s better for me? Because I was born with it? Because you were only a demon for what, a couple months? Because you got out? How is it worse? And Sammy. You were just a junkie of a demon whore! You chose that! And it was a hell of a bad choice. But look at you. You´re all fine. You got out.And me? I have to live with this. And maybe right now it´s nothing. Maybe right now I´m not hungry to kill. But I was once. And who knows when will it come back again."

"Yeah. We turned out just fine. Thanks for noticing. Goodnight." said Sam and left you.

"Do you even hear what you´re saying?" asked Dean. "Yeah, maybe we got out. But we´re not fine. You can´t even believe what we´ve been through. It´s not only you that lost family. We did too. And people.. people we loved the most died. Because of us. Can you even imagine what it´s like to go to sleep every night, hoping that you won´t dream anything, because if you do, you just dream of all their faces. Their eyes, when there´s no more light in them. You´re afraid to dream because you´ll only re-live those moments, those moments when they exhaled their last breaths. And you´re afraid to wake up, because you know it´s just all going to happen again." he stopped for a minute to swallow his tears. "Sammy.. he´s not that strong as he seems to be. He went through a lot, Jane. Believe me you don´t even wanna know." he sighed. "Why is it, that you always hurt the ones who love you the most?" and with that, he left you too.

Castiel was the only one that stayed there with you.

"Jane.."

"Cass.. I screwed up. I know.. I always do." you felt the tears in your eyes, and suddenly shame took over your anger. "What have I done?"

"Heey, it´s okay." he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around you. "Everyone´s tired. You´ll discuss it tomorrow."

"I´m so sorry.." you said burying your face into his chest, you could call it a routine already. You cannot even count how many times did you cry like that, in the arms of the angel. Your angel. "I missed you Cass."

"I missed you too."

 

***

It was 2AM and you still couldn´t sleep. You were just turning from one side to the other side. You couldn´t stop repeating the harsh words you said before. You were hoping that the boys knew you didn´t really mean them. But it just couldn´t stop borthering you. You decided to go to Sam´s room and apologize. When you knocked no one answered, you thought he was still mad so you entered. You layed down next to him. 

"I know you´re awake, Sam. You can´t play me."

He didn´t answer. He was turned to the other side so you couldn´t see if his eyes were open.

"I´m here to tell you that I´m really sorry. What I said erlier.. I didn´t mean it. And I know I can´t unsay it.. so I´m just gonna show my penitence."

He still didn´t say anything. He didn´t even turn to you. But you could understand him not wanting to look at you.. like.. for the rest of his life. 

"I´m just desperate. I´m scared.. and it was easier to blame you guys than to just accept all of this. Today was just too much. You were right.. how will I process all the information that´s coming tomorrow, when I couldn´t even comprehend today´s events?... I´m tired Sam. And I want this to be over. And if tomorrow goes well.. I´m gonna leave, I promise. I´m gonna find the people I remember, and I´m gonna fix everything. And don´t worry, I´ll still be careful with my curse. But finally, I can give you guys space. You won´t ever have to take care of me. I don´t want to be your burden, you guys have your own demons. And I don´t wanna be one of them."

Still nothing. 

"Also.. I thought about what you said at the bar. And it´s not that I´m ungrateful or something. I truly respect that you would try .. falling in love with me. But it has to be mutual. And I.. I cannot remember what it feels like. I can´t even tell sometimes if I´m angry or just hungry. You guys helped me remember what _caring_ feels like. But telling the difference between liking and loving someone is so much harder than anything else. I had to re-feel everything from 28 years, during this one year. And i´m still not sure about everything. That´s why I´m afraid that I won´t be able to tell the difference between good and bad.."

You let the tears stream down your face, but your couldn´t allow yourself another breakdown.

"I know you´re ignoring me right now, and I understand. But telling all of this wasn´t so easy. Especially telling it to you. Please just say something... I´m not going anywhere until you reply."

And that´s how you fell asleep after waiting for like half an hour.

***

_"A demon possessed your mother"_

_"I created a spell no one has ever done before... I cursed you to be unable to have contacts with humans. Your mother begged me not to... you weren´t able to talk to people, look at them, touch them. I cursed you so you can never create a monster like yourself!"_

_"She didn´t know how to stop it.. she was trying to find a way so she can still communicate with you. But she found nothing, and it didn´t scare her away, she didn´t give up. She wanted her daughter. She wanted to talk to you, look at you. She wanted to braid your hair kiss you goodnight. She just wanted to be your mother. She didn´t care about the concequences. She was bearing it for almost a year, but she ended up in hospital. She died on your 22nd birthday. I´m so sorry..."_

***

"Wake up!" you heard someone shout from the distance. "Breathe."

"What happened?" you asked gasping for air. You were covered in sweat.

"It was just a bad dream. Calm down." Sam said with a balanced tone. "By the way.. what are you doing here?"

"Oh God.. so you were really asleep the whole time?" you managed to sit up on the bed, curled up and wrapped your arms around your legs.

"When did you come in?" he asked surprisingly.

"What time is it now?"

"5AM."

"Then around 3hours ago." you sighed. "I came here to apologize.. I was telling you things.. and I thought you were listening."

"I´m sorry. I.. I must´ve been really tired, cause I didn´t even realize you were laying next to me. You really scared me." it was dark in the room but you could still see the sorry in his eyes. 

"Funny how I was the one who hurt you, but now you´re the one apologizing." you laughed.

"What did you want to tell me?"

"I just.. I´m sorry, Sam. I really am. I was a dick for saying those things. You guys did´t deserve my breakdown. You´ve been helping me for a year now, and all I do is whine about everything. You guys are the greatest men alive."

"Yeah because you don´t know any other person." he smiled.

"Nooo. You save people, you risk your lives on a daily basis to help strangers, kids, innocent people. And you´re doing it for free, you´re doing it because you´re good people. Not many have hearts like you guys do. And there I go.. popping up in your lives, ruining everything." you took a deep breath. "I don´t deserve you. So after the work is done today, I´m leaving, for good. And I´ll never even come back, I promise."

"You´re so silly.. sometimes I´d just rather punch you."

"What?" you couldn´t believe your ears.

"You´re not going anywhere, just forget about that. We started this together, and you´re not gonna put an end to this alone."

"But.."

"You´re the best thing that happeneded to us in a looong time. To me at least. I don´t care if we argued a lot, I don´t care if we hurt each other. I´ve never felt like this before. Caring so much about someone, being happy when she´s happy, being sad when she´s sad. You changed me, in a good way. And I don´t care if we only gonna be friends, or maybe more one day, but all I know is that I just want to be by your side. I wanna be there when you laugh, I want to be next to you when you cry. I.. I just cannot lose you."

You were so shocked from all the things he said, first you needed to process it, then you had to react, but you just didn´t know how to. So instead of thinking it over, you hugged him and all you said was "I can´t lose you either."

Your head resting on his chest, his arms wrapped around you. You could hear every beat of his heart while his warm breath was smoothing your hair. And that´s how you fell asleep again.

 


End file.
